Chen Mo was squatting in front of a pancake stall at the entrance of the Civil Affairs Bureau, looking miserably at his reflection in the Xuanming Mirror. A blood-red title floated above his head in the mirror: "The Most Miserable Wedding-Crashed Male Lead (Live Stream Popularity: 250)."
"Folks, keep those gifts coming!" The system suddenly started a live stream automatically. "When the rocket count breaks a thousand, the host will perform catching heavenly lightning barehanded!" Chen Mo fumbled in a panic to turn off the beauty filter, but instead stretched his legs into two-meter-long snake-spirit proportions.
When Lin Wanqing stepped out of the extended spirit beast limousine arm-in-arm with her new beau, Chen Mo's secondhand suit suddenly triggered a transformation spell. His tie turned into an immortal-binding rope that hog-tied the groom like a rice dumpling, while three screaming marriage cherubs burst out from his trouser legs, scurrying around the venue holding signs that read: "Seeking a Wealthy Benefactor to Bear My Child."
"I knew you'd come." Lin Wanqing stepped on ten-centimeter stilettos, the slit of her qipao revealing a faint tattoo of the Hehuan Sect. "Back then you said you were going to buy me a Celestial Realm villa..."
"And you ran off with my down payment to dual-cultivate with someone else?" Chen Mo whipped out his phone to play a recording, and the speaker blared his ex-girlfriend's sugary voice: "President Wang, I want a boyfriend who can fly on a sword~"
Onlookers eagerly raised their magical artifact smartphones to record the scene, while the sign of the Civil Affairs Bureau abruptly changed to "Celestial Realm Matchmaking Agency." The security guard waved his stun baton and roared, "No unauthorized emotional Tribulation Transcending! Those getting a divorce, go to the courtyard next door to sever the Three Corpses!"
The system suddenly popped up virtual confetti: "Congratulations on triggering the hidden special effect: White Moonlight Corruption Progress at 99%." Lin Wanqing tossed out 999 promissory notes from her exes, which transformed into a sky full of talismans that formed huge characters: Who Does Free-Loading Better Than Me?
Chen Mo's Alchemical Furnace suddenly rebelled, its lid popping open to spew out greenish netherghost flames. The sausage stand owner calmly flipped a sausage: "Brother, you've modified this gas stove quite uniquely, huh?"
"Just on your Qi-Condensation cultivation?" The groom broke free from the immortal-binding rope, pulled out a diamond-encrusted Qiankun Pouch, and sneered, "Wanqing's wedding dress is made of mermaid gauze, and her wedding ring is a Sumeru Ring. What do you have to compare?" With that, he tossed out a black card that landed and turned into a beckoning cat spitting out banknotes.
Chen Mo silently pulled out a real estate agent kit, and the Xuanming Mirror suddenly projected a hologram: "A 30% down payment gets you a Netherworld school district home! Guaranteed personally by Meng Po!" The watching aunties instantly switched sides: "Young man, leave your number for this auntie!"
A Husky howl suddenly pierced the sky, and an interstellar mount clamped a NASA satellite in its jaws as it smashed through the clouds. Chen Mo leaped onto the dog's back, and the *Five-Three* workbook in his hand unfolded in the wind, turning into a sky full of exam papers that formed the Zhuxian Sword Array.
"Three years of simulations, five years of the gaokao!" Chen Mo's roar echoed across the heavens. "Taste my Hengshui intensive worksheet technique!" The groom was trapped into a mummy by trigonometric functions, and Lin Wanqing's colored contacts cracked, revealing the twin-pupil anomaly underneath.
The system suddenly crashed, all its special effects lagging into a PowerPoint presentation. Chen Mo tumbled off the Husky's back into a potted plant at the Civil Affairs Bureau, looked up, and saw the landlady charging at him with a broom: "You little brat! Your mount just crushed my balcony, pay up!"
Amid the chaos, someone shouted, "The auspicious hour for the wedding procession has arrived!" A cultivator in green robes was seen drifting into the venue on a shared bicycle, with Meng Po sitting in the basket wearing Lolita fashion. The two brandished Gatling-style red silk ribbons, firing strings of endless knots wildly into the crowd.
"Nobody move!" Wang Defa's corpse suddenly pushed open the glass doors, his neck bent at a ninety-degree angle and a work badge hanging off it that read: "Marriage Mediator." His rotting palm patted Chen Mo's shoulder. "Little Chen, have you considered a ghost marriage with a female ghost? Full benefits and social insurance included~"
The Xuanming Mirror emitted a blinding blood-red light at that moment, projecting the phantom of the Bronze Box into the mirror. Every single pay stub flew out of Chen Mo's pockets, piecing themselves together in midair to form a bloody contract. The system finally rebooted, a pop-up window covering the entire sky:
"Final task achieved."
"Reward distributed: The ex's Huabei bill (transferred)."
Lin Wanqing let out a sudden shriek as her phone popped up a collection notice from Ant Immortality Loan. The groom's Qiankun Pouch began spewing underworld banknotes, and countless debt-collector ghost hands crawled out from the cracks in the Civil Affairs Bureau floor tiles. The onlookers instantly switched to mukbang mode, clutching melons and crunching away wildly: "This is more thrilling than a Xianxia drama!"
When Chen Mo rode the Husky and broke out of the encirclement, the Broom Spirit was adding Meng Po on WeChat: "Sis, are you running a Naihe Bridge proxy-purchasing business?" A Thunder Tribulation cloud drifted across the sky, displaying a QR code: "Scan the code to watch the Tribulation Transcending live stream, gift rockets to execute justice on behalf of the heavens!"
As night fell, Chen Mo collapsed by the roadside to eat skewers. His phone popped up a new message: "The Celestial Realm villa you ordered has been shipped, and the courier is currently loading it on Mars." The barbecue vendor suddenly spoke up: "Fellow Daoist, would you like chili powder or Tribulation Transcending Pills?"
The urban management brigade roared past, their rooftop loudspeaker looping: "Practice civilized cultivation, say no to sword-riding drunk driving..." Chen Mo gazed at the sword cultivators patrolling on balance boards under the starry sky, suddenly feeling that this magical-realistic world was pretty cool after all.
Until the Xuanming Mirror popped up a new notification: "Gentle reminder: Your mount is defecating everywhere in the Queen Mother's Flat Peach Orchard..."