As Chen Mo squatted by the drainage outlet of Yaochi scrubbing the toilet, he comprehended the first law of survival in the Celestial Realm: as long as you slack off well enough, you can outrun even the Thunder Tribulation. His phone screen saver had been replaced with an electronic autograph from the Jade Emperor that read: "Reasonable slacking is permitted (Celestial Code Supplementary Article No. 250)."
"Little Chen!" Taibai Jinxing drifted past on a shared flying sword, his Daoist robe stamped with the "Celestial Court Ele.me" logo. "The top benefactor in the Queen Mother's livestream room wants to mail a razor blade, so drop this package off while you're on your way." As he spoke, he tossed over a package wrapped with Immortal-Binding Rope bearing a "Handle with Care" label, with the sender listed as the "Great Sage Equaling Heaven of Flowers and Fruit Mountain."
When the express delivery arrived at the Guanghan Palace KTV, Chang'e was dueting "The Fall of Guanghan Palace" with Marshal Tianpeng. The private room was hazy with smoke, and Wu Gang was scratching records with his osmanthus-cutting axe like a DJ, sending sparks flying everywhere. "Hit those like buttons, folks! The top ten benefactors get an osmanthus tree bark bracelet!"
"Hidden quest triggered: Rescue fallen immortals."
Just as Chen Mo reached the control panel, Sun Wukong's face suddenly popped up on the screen. "Lads! Cut off the Celestial Court's Wi-Fi for me!" Shrill screams echoed instantly throughout the private room—the Seven Fairies, who had been engaged in nude video chats, were collectively disconnected, and Pagoda-Bearing Heavenly King Li's gaming account went AFK right on the spot.
The Queen Mother's relentless calls made his phone burn hot to the touch. "Little Chen! Go to the Flat Peach Orchard right now and grab some shills! The livestream audience count has dropped below one hundred thousand plus!" When Chen Mo charged into the peach grove carrying a selfie stick, the Earth God was giving the peach trees a Botox injection. "Immortal Superior, sharp-chin Flat Peachs are all the rage right now..."
The livestream camera was suddenly hijacked by a Husky. The miscreant was holding Lord Laozi's Alchemical Furnace in its mouth like a litter box, and the bullet comments exploded instantly. "That dog chose a prime spot! Begging for the same Celestial Realm cat litter!" Chen Mo snatched up a broom to use as a dog-beating stick, but the broom suddenly started playing the *Great Compassion Mantra*. "Benefactor, taking a life violates the precepts..."
"System warning: Merit points are about to drop below zero."
"Immediate top-up recommended."
A long queue had formed in front of the self-service merit ATM at the Hall of Wealth, and Yama was cutting in line to buy a school-district property in the Underworld. "Thirty percent down payment gets you a Meng Po Soup degree!" Just as Chen Mo whipped out his phone to scan the QR code, the Xuanming Mirror suddenly sounded an alarm. "Attention! Current Wi-Fi has switched to 'Free Merit Trap'."
The banner wall at Yue Lao's hall had been replaced with a livestream e-commerce sales ranking, and the red strings had all been converted into fiber-optic interfaces. The white-bearded old man wore colored contact lenses and chanted his pitch, "Folks! This marriage talisman is shipped straight to your door; if it doesn't work out, you can just swap partners!" Chen Mo was dragged in to act as a shill, and as a result, he crossed the wrong threads, causing the Xiaotian Hound and the Jade Rabbit to obtain a marriage certificate.
"Young man, you've caused a massive disaster!" Erlang Shen's Three-Pointed Double-Edged Blade was pressed against Chen Mo's neck. "The purity of my dog..." Suddenly, an ad for the Celestial Court Matchmaking Agency popped up on his phone: "Cross-species romance, enjoy Celestial Realm subsidies!"
In the Heavenly Prison, Chen Mo and Sun Wukong became cellmates. "Back when old Sun here wreaked havoc in the Heavenly Palace..." The monkey had barely started when prison guard Nezha trotted past on his Wind Fire Wheels for patrol. "Cell 305 pay attention! Spreading violent prison-break ideologies is prohibited!"
Late at night, the system suddenly sprang back to life: "Ultimate slacking quest: Prison-break check-in." As Chen Mo was prying the lock open with a broom handle, he noticed a QR code pasted on the cell door: "Scan the code and follow to reduce your sentence by a century." A Husky tossed an alchemical furnace in through the ventilation shaft, and the lid popped open to reveal a screaming chicken. "Fellow Daoist! Your Meituan prison meal has arrived!"
The moment the prison break succeeded, the alarms of the Celestial Court rang loud enough to shake the firmament. Chen Mo rode the Husky in a wild dash across the Rainbow Bridge, pursued by one hundred thousand heavenly soldiers waving glow sticks and shouting, "Catch him! The Queen Mother's livestream room is missing a punching-bag anchor!" Lord Thunder and Goddess of Lightning thrust their livestream cameras right into his face. "Double-tap 666, folks! Are these heavenly thunder special effects worth a rocket?"
As Chen Mo took a leap off the Executioner's Platform, a new message popped up on his phone: "Your booked seven-day tour of the Demon Realm is about to depart..." At that moment, the system upgraded to version 3.0, and the boot animation featured the Jade Emperor dancing to "New Formosa": "Toiling workers, toiling souls, toilers are the cream of the crop—"