As Chen Mo squatted at the entrance of the Demon Realm filling out a form, he finally understood the meaning of "you seek hell when there is no door"—the photo of the "Blood Pond Hot Spring" in the travel brochure turned out, upon tapping the details page, to be a staged setup for a hot pot restaurant.
"Fellow cultivator, VIP customer for the seven-day Demon Realm tour, right?" The Ox-Head tour guide handed over a diamond-encrusted skull microphone. "Our first stop is the Naihe Bridge internet-famous photo spot, the second stop is the Meng Po Soup tasting session, and the shopping stop is arranged at the Eighteenth-Level Hell Cutlery City..."
When the tour bus started up, Chen Mo discovered his seatmate was Wang Defa's decomposing corpse, using bone-exposed claws to scroll through a livestream. "Hey folks, today I'm taking you to see a genuine first-line perilous gorge!" The phone camera aimed right at a crack in his own cervical vertebra, and a stream of bullet comments floated past: "Seeking the same orthopedic hospital."
"System Quest: Post a 3x3 grid of photos on Moments from the Demon Realm (0/9)"
"Reward: Yama's autographed Hell Tax-Exemption Coupon"
Meng Po carried a tasting cup, handing out drinks to everyone. "Authentic Forget-Me-Not Elixir, 82-year vintage, scan the QR code to follow and get a glamorous Meng Po ID number!" Chen Mo was just about to slip away when the Ox-Head tour guide pressed a steel fork against his lower back. "Dear, if you don't make a purchase, you'll need to pay extra tip~"
In the Blood Pond Hot Spring locker room, a Husky tore a bath towel into a soul-arresting rope and chased a judge all over the place. Chen Mo's phone suddenly got waterlogged, and the Xuanming Mirror popped up an advertisement: "Demon Realm waterproof talisman, nine-ninety-nine with free shipping, buy now and get a Di Ting exfoliating washcloth!"
"Folks, look right here!" The Night-Wandering Deity in the next pool was livestreaming. "This pool can wash away sins from past lives..." Before he could finish speaking, he was hooked away by a patrolling Zhong Kui: "Suspected of spreading feudal superstitions, come with me to the Yama Hall to pay a fine!"
Dinner was arranged at the Tongue-Ripping Hell theme restaurant, where a waiter served "Iron Tree Blossoming Sashimi" with an introduction: "This dish uses three-hundred-year-old malicious gossip for nourishment..." The moment Chen Mo's chopsticks touched the vegetable leaves, he suddenly heard the system prompt: "Essence of internet keyboard warrior detected, consuming it will grant a ranting buff."
Late at night when returning to the Demon Realm Express Hotel, the door was stuffed full of small cards: "Special services: ghostwriting letters of repentance, guaranteed approval by the Ten Courts of Yama!" Just as Chen Mo reached to tear them up, the cards suddenly transformed into a glamorous painted-skin demon: "Master, do you need to modify the Book of Life and Death?"
"Emergency Quest: Smash the Illegal Industry Chain"
Chen Mo grabbed a textbook on Five-Three Exam Prep as a weapon, and when he chased the perpetrator down to an underground workshop, he found Wenqu Xing mass-producing embroidered banners: "Top Ten Figures Who Moved the Three Realms — Celestial Realm Model Worker", all signed with the Jade Emperor's private seal.
"Young man, do you need a custom embroidered banner?" Wenqu Xing pushed up his gold-rimmed glasses. "Rush orders come with Thunder Tribulation insurance, leave a bad review and we'll send vicious ghosts to your door!" Chen Mo's phone suddenly received a text message from the Celestial Court Discipline Inspection Commission, scaring him into turning around and reporting Sun Wukong, who was eight hundred miles away.
The next day, during a tour of the Eighteenth-Level Hell Cutlery City, the Ox-Head tour guide suddenly burst into passionate sales pitch mode: "This Immortal-Slaying Blade originally cost ninety-eight thousand, group tour price is only nine hundred ninety-eight!" The moment Chen Mo touched the hilt, the POS machine automatically displayed his credit limit.
"You won't let me leave without buying, right?" Chen Mo pulled out the Xuanming Mirror price tag, and blood-red characters emerged on the mirror surface: "Cost price: 50 underworld banknotes." The entire exhibition hall suddenly rioted, with Horse-Face security guards wielding steel forks to maintain order: "Folks, this is just program effects!"
The return bus broke down on the Underworld Road, and the Ox-Head tour guide began playing the pity card: "It's not easy for us tour guides, getting complaints and having Merit deducted every day..." The ghosts on the whole bus rolled their eyes in unison—this guy still had a gold chain hanging around his neck reading "Three Realms Top Salesman".
Chen Mo squatted by the roadside gnawing on the Demon Realm specialty "Othershore Flower Pastry", when the Husky suddenly came galloping over with a plaque in its mouth engraved with "The Three Realms' Ultimate Patsy". The system popped up an achievement notification: "Congratulations on unlocking the hidden title," and the reward was a lifetime VIP card for Meng Po Soup.
Passing by the Wangchuan River rafting attraction, the rubber rafts actually required renting life jackets at one's own expense. As soon as Chen Mo muttered a couple of complaints, the ferryman suddenly flashed his work ID: "I'm an undercover reporter for the Celestial Court, can what you just said make it onto the Celestial Realm edition of 'Focus Interview'?"
On the final day of free exploration, Chen Mo discovered his ex-girlfriend's livestreaming team in the ghost market. Lin Wanqing was wearing a black silk Daoist robe and playing the pity card: "Folks, my dual-cultivation partner ran off with the funds, now clearing out Celestial Realm villas for nine-ninety-nine..." The top benefactor on the leaderboard was none other than Sun Wukong, the Protector of the Horses.
When passing through customs on the return trip, the Ox-Head tour guide suddenly shoved an embroidered banner at him: "Dear, please leave a five-star review, otherwise your luggage will gain a few extra pounds of karmic hindrance..." Chen Mo looked at his stuffed Qiankun pouch, which besides counterfeit Immortal-Slaying Blades, also contained a whole box of Meng Po Soup-flavored condoms.
The moment the airplane (actually a Bone Dragon Airlines flight) landed in the mortal world, his phone popped up a text message from the Celestial Court Tourism Bureau: "Dear, the Wangchuan River rafting fee has been automatically split into installments, enjoy interest-free payments over 999 installments~" Chen Mo promptly marked the tour guide's number as a scam, and suddenly received a new message:
"System upgraded to version 4.0: Three Realms Livestreaming E-commerce feature unlocked"
"First Quest: Promote Demon Realm local specialties (Remaining time: 23:59:59)"
As night fell, Chen Mo slumped in front of a barbecue stall. Zhong Kui at the next table was skewering meat: "The mortal world is still more solid, Celestial Realm beer is mixed with Forget-Me-Not Elixir, and Demon Realm grilled kidneys use karmic fire..." Suddenly, a Husky's howl drifted across the sky, and this wretched beast was riding a Bone Dragon playing wing-suiting, with a banner hanging from the dragon's tail:
"Demon Realm group tours, ripping you off without a doubt!"