Attended by the palace maids with meticulous care, I was soon dressed and ready. Gazing at my reflection in the bronze mirror, I took a deep breath, trying to calm the turbulent waves within. A little noob like me had to face the court ministers sooner or later; whether sooner or later, it all came down to the same thing!
Longxia State’s number one working stiff, move out!
Stepping across the threshold of the bedchamber, the outdoor sky had yet to brighten. The imperial palanquin, having waited respectfully for quite some time, stood steadily below the steps. The group of eunuchs carrying the palanquin were all strong-bodied and well-trained, clad in uniform dark blue attire. Seeing me appear, they dropped to their knees in unison with a crisp rustle, heads lowered, shouting in unison, "Long live Your Majesty!" Their cry echoed across the courtyard, startling the sparrows on the branches into flight.
I stepped firmly onto the palanquin, and at the command of "Move out," it slowly rose and moved forward smoothly. I felt a sense of floating on air. Hehehe! Being an emperor was actually pretty great! Even if it was a bit exhausting, and even if the little money I earned didn't strictly belong to me, being treated like the moon surrounded by stars by so many people—this feeling was simply beyond fantastic!
Along the way, passing through winding palace paths, the towering palace walls with their mottled red paint seemed to silently recount stories of bygone years. My thoughts galloped wildly in my mind like a runaway horse, chaotic and completely without direction.
What kind of content would the ministers' reports hold? Would it be the grievances of the people caused by regional floods and droughts, urgently requiring the opening of granaries for famine relief and the allocation of funds to repair water conservancy? Or would it be the resurgence of border fires with barbarian iron cavalry knocking at the gates, requiring discussions on dispatching troops to resist the enemy and deploy generals? Or perhaps factional strife and power struggles within the court, making governance difficult and demanding that I see things with piercing clarity and set right what was wrong? The country was currently deeply mired in a swamp of internal trouble and external aggression, resembling a solitary boat battered by wind and rain, facing numerous crises. Yet how on earth could I cleverly resolve these, finding that path where flowers bloom amidst the dark willow shade? I pondered bitterly, my brows locked in a frown, my hands gripping the palanquin's armrests so tightly that my knuckles turned white from the force.
I didn't even dare to imagine what major problems I was about to encounter. Just thinking that if I ran into some wretched problem again, I'd have to sell my looks! Whatever, what's done is done, just take it as it comes!
"The eastern corner has passed, but the mulberry and elm are not late." Who told the previous owner of this shell not to use their brain for legitimate purposes? Now it left me with no choice but to mend the fold after the sheep were lost, working hard to govern diligently... Alas! Earlier, I had thought that if being an emperor was too tiring, I would just quit and quickly rake in some grease money to run away. But at the thought of the ravaged borders and the subjects suffering from floods—well, whether you stick your neck out or pull it back, it's the same knife falling either way. Even for the sake of Longxia State, and for the subjects of Longxia State living in dire straits, I'll fight to the death!
Even before reaching the court hall, my brain was already buzzing away...
Upon arriving at the court hall, I slowly walked over to the solemn and somewhat terrifying Dragon Throne, took a deep breath, and silently chanted, "Motherfucker, this lady is fighting it out today!" Well, no—this man is going all out today. Whatever hard problem the ministers threw at me, I would pass every single one straight to my brother-in-law, Mùróng Zhuó. Prime Minister brother-in-law, you had better catch the difficult problem your brother-in-law is tossing you!
The ministers were already standing in orderly rows according to their proper ranks and regulations, waiting. Their court robes followed strict grades and rules, embroidered with complex and exquisite patterns—some with cranes spreading their wings, some with qilin stepping on clouds, some with peacocks displaying their tails. All looked lifelike, as if they were about to leap from the hems of the garments, proclaiming their respective statuses and positions. Beneath the black gauze hats were faces of varied expressions: solemn and dignified, steady and reserved, or harboring hidden thoughts. Their gazes were lowered or level, yet all radiated a mixture of caution and expectation.
When I sat securely on the Dragon Throne, my heart beat so, so fast. If the passing grade for a heartbeat was 60, my heart rate was probably around 200 right then. Because I could feel my broad chest threatening to burst open at any moment.
In an instant, the crowd of ministers below the court, as if moved by the same invisible force, executed a neat, crisp, and uniform movement. They brushed back the hems of their robes and dropped to both knees, their garments rustling. Immediately after, a loud and impassioned cry suddenly erupted, "Long live our Emperor, long live, long, long live!"
That sound converged into one, resembling rolling spring thunder exploding over the court, echoing layer upon layer between the halls. It made the palace lanterns hanging high from the rafters tremble slightly, their flames swaying as if they too were bowing in submission amidst this surging wave of sound. The cry was filled with deep reverence and awe, carrying also a measure of the officials' piety and surrender to imperial authority. It lingered for a long time, as if carving the solemn and dignified atmosphere of the court into every inch of brick and every beam.
I was terribly startled by this sound, and almost lost my seat. Why did it feel like a candidate entering the examination hall, except that I was the only miserable examinee in the room, with hundreds of proctors staring at me alone... (Oh mother! That terrifying scene was no less dreadful than watching *The Ring* all alone at home.)
For a long while, I couldn't snap out of it. Eunuch Gui sidled up to me and whispered a reminder, "Your Majesty, hurry and tell the ministers to rise!"
"Oh!"
I put on a calm facade, though popcorn was practically popping off by the pots inside my heart. Clearing my throat and mimicking the emperors in historical costume dramas, I said, "Beloved subjects, rise." (This posturing act of mine almost made me gag in disgust all over again.)
The court officials all rose in unison. As I watched them each keeping their heads bowed—oh! It seemed that in ancient times ministers were not allowed to look directly at the emperor. I felt as though I had discovered a loophole in the exam. Since none of them dared to look at me, wouldn't I be able to stare at them to my heart's content? At this thought, I couldn't help but shift my body around. Sitting on this Dragon Throne felt just like wearing that posture-correcting brace from my childhood: my back was pulled ramrod straight, and then my neck had to stretch out two miles just to do homework. Which absolute idiot designed this thing anyway...
I quietly looked at the crowd of ministers below the steps and said, "Speak if you have matters, retire if you don't!" Ugh, I accidentally said what was on my mind. Mainly because I really wanted to get off work early! And go back for an early morning nap...
A minister standing behind Mùróng Zhuó stepped forward first, cupped his hands respectfully, and said, "Your Majesty, this subject has a matter to report!"
Geez, I shouldn't have said that line about "speaking if you have matters." There really was a minister who wouldn't give me, the emperor, a chance to slack off! Report away, report away... If you can't report anything sensible, I'm going to lose my temper. After all, people who don't get enough sleep are always hot-tempered.
The minister argued eloquently, "Your Majesty, early this morning this subject heard that Consort Li's family hauled several cartloads of gold and silver into Your Majesty's national treasury. Your Majesty, is this true?" Wasn't this old man talking nonsense? Since it was sent to my national treasury, it definitely had to be true.
What, my money had arrived? Good heavens, this Little Green Tea’s efficiency was a bit high! Her dad truly lived up to his title as the richest man in Longxia State—this speed of handing over money was practically at rocket-and-artillery speed!
"Beloved subject, such a matter does indeed exist!" I struggled to suppress my inner excitement and answered him with a straight face.
Who would have thought this old fogey would actually pour a bucket of cold water on me? He cupped his hands and continued, "Reporting to Your Majesty, throughout the successive dynasties of our Longxia State, there has never been a precedent of borrowing money from common citizens. Furthermore, the inner palace is not permitted to interfere in politics." Gosh, this rigid old fogey actually said I was borrowing from private citizens, and actually said my consort was interfering in politics. Interfering in whose ass of a politics!