I shouldn't go to Yan Luo's house in my current disheveled state. They would inevitably ask what happened, and I couldn't bring myself to say it, nor did I want them to worry.
After getting into the car, Juyan called his girlfriend—my elder sister—to say he was taking me to her place and asked her to bring my things when she left. After hanging up, he started the engine. I sat in the passenger seat, and when I heard him cough, I quickly took off my coat to return it to him. "You should wear this."
"No need. Keep it on; the heater is running."
His tone was still stiff, and he didn't look at me once.
I said awkwardly, "Alright then."
I put the coat back on and turned to gaze at the streets blurring past the window. The catalyst for my argument with Mom this time had been my sister. Before leaving home, I had even knocked my sister to the ground, yet now I was being taken to her place by her boyfriend to escape the fallout. It felt truly bitter. I couldn't help but wonder if my sister and Juyan resented me.
The headache from being jolted awake hadn't subsided, and before long, I became carsick. My stomach churned, and finally, unable to hold it back, I covered my mouth and retched.
Juyan immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and turned to look at me. "Are you not feeling well?"
I nodded, saying weakly, "A little carsick."
He reached out to touch my forehead, then unbuckled his seatbelt. "You have a fever. I'm going to buy some medicine."
I didn't want to trouble him further. "It's fine, I'll just sleep it off..."
The only answer was the *thud* of the car door closing.
As I watched him walk toward a nearby pharmacy, the tears I had worked so hard to hold back welled up again. Juyan, a stranger I had barely met, cared about me this much. Yet my own mother treated my self-respect as nothing, trampling and belittling it at will. Why did she have to claim I was faking sleep? What was the point of faking that? Could I not even sleep if I failed to meet her expectations?
If she was dissatisfied, couldn't she have spoken to me privately? Why did she have to scold me in front of my sister and Juyan and humiliate me? I knew I wasn't as good as my sister, but I wasn't as worthless as she made me out to be, either! And whenever a mother-daughter argument turned against her, she would start crying, making it look as if I were the one bullying her. I was truly fed up!
A short while later, Juyan returned with medicine and water. He popped the pills out and handed them to me, followed by the water.
"Thank you, Brother Juyan."
I took the medicine, wrapped myself in the coat, and leaned my forehead against the cold car window. As the medication kicked in, I began to feel drowsy, but I didn't want to fall asleep in the car, so I tried my best to stay alert.
Ten minutes later, we arrived at my sister’s place. She lived in a studio apartment in the city. I had only been there once, back when she first moved in and we brought her some food. Mom had wanted to stay with her then, offering to help with laundry and cooking until my sister’s job was stable, but my sister refused. She said she was an adult and could take care of herself—the washing machine handled the clothes, she could hire a cleaner for chores, and the company provided meals. She said if Mom stayed home cooking for her every day, she would feel burdened. Mom had been both touched and disappointed, and after we returned home, she kept sighing about how my sister was too independent.
Walking into her apartment, I noticed the layout hadn't changed much in six months, though there were a few more of a man’s belongings around—presumably, Juyan spent a lot of time here. Juyan told me to rest in my sister’s room. I was exhausted and didn't want to sit there staring at him, so I murmured an apology and walked into the room, falling asleep as soon as I hit the bed.
In my haze, I felt a weight on me.
The medication had left me weary and confused. I struggled to open my eyes and saw a pair of pitch-black eyes. In the dim room, those eyes stared directly at me, like two black holes suspended in the air.
*Is this sleep paralysis again?* It was so terrifying this time. I tried to wake up, but I couldn't move my arms or call out; I could only watch those eyes drifting closer.
Suddenly, everything went black. Overcome by the sleepiness brought on by the darkness, I fell into a deep slumber.
***
I slept very deeply. When I woke up, the room was pitch black. I fumbled to turn on the light and checked the wall clock—it was already past eight.
*Oh no! Evening study session!*
The heavy coat was hanging on the rack by the bed; my sister must have hung it up while I was asleep. I took the coat down and scrambled to put it on, but halfway through, I sat down, unwilling to move. At this hour, even if I rushed from my sister’s place, I would only catch one period of the evening session. The teachers were always harping on how every second counted, that a few extra points could put you ahead of thousands of other candidates. But I was so tired and annoyed; I didn't want to go to school. Let those thousands of candidates get ahead today; I’d catch up tomorrow.
I walked into the small living room and found I was alone; neither my sister’s nor Juyan’s shoes were in the entryway. Where had they gone?
I took out my phone and saw a message from my sister. She said she had called in a sick note for me and that she had to work overtime at the office until late. She told me to order takeout if I was hungry and reminded me to take my medicine after eating. Attached was a red envelope, likely for me to pay for the takeout. I didn't open the red envelope, instead sending her a rose GIF to show I had received the message.
Having slept for most of the day, I was genuinely hungry. I went to the kitchen to look for food while replying to the greeting messages from Yan Luo and Yuansu. Dad had also sent a message; he didn't scold me, only saying that Mom had cried for a long time and urging me to get some rest at my sister's place. There was a red envelope below with a note: "Xiaohe, be happy."
My nose stung, and I replied, "Thank you, Dad."
Dad called immediately. As soon as I picked up, he launched into a string of questions: "Your sister said you have a fever. Do you feel better now? Have you eaten? Do you have medicine..."
I said, "I'm feeling much better, don't worry. Dad, I'll go straight to school tomorrow and come home next weekend."
Dad replied, "That’s fine. Xiaohe... I heard about today from Sister Xun. Your mom was wrong to say those things. Let Dad apologize for her, please don't be angry anymore."
"...Mm, it's okay, Dad."
"Good, good. You take that money and buy something you like to eat."
After hanging up, I accepted Dad's red envelope. I had intended to find something in the kitchen to save money, but there wasn't even a grain of rice in my sister’s house. I had to order takeout and started grinding through practice problems while waiting. Although my grades were only average, I couldn't let those thousands of people easily surpass me. Being a high school senior was miserable; you were constantly anxious, and even when sick, you didn't dare slack off.
I looked at the medicine Juyan had bought; the boxes all listed drowsiness as a side effect. No wonder I had fallen asleep so quickly and had such nightmares. I didn't dare take them anymore; I had school tomorrow, and I couldn't study if I was constantly sleepy. I used my takeout app to order two boxes of fever reducers that didn't cause drowsiness. After eating and taking the new pills, I took a hot shower and fell into a pleasant sleep, unaware of when my sister came home.
The next morning, my sister woke me up. I thought I had overslept, but when I checked the time, she had risen even earlier than my alarm. She looked haggard, with faint dark circles under her eyes. Seeing her so exhausted, I felt a pang of guilt. "Sister, what time did you get back yesterday? Did you get any sleep?"
My sister had already finished washing up and was deftly putting her hair up, applying powder to hide her dark circles in the mirror. "Maybe three or four hours. I’ve been working overtime on a project lately, but I'll get a break once it's done. Go wash up quickly; I’ll take you downstairs for breakfast, but you’ll have to take a taxi to school. I can't drive you."
Her time was precious, so I didn't dare dawdle and quickly changed and washed up. When I left the house, I noticed the boxes of fever medicine on the table were gone. Those were the ones Juyan had bought; the ones I had bought were in my bag. Had my sister put them away?
***
After New Year's Day, it was just a matter of holding on until winter break. Despite the heavy workload and constant exams, the atmosphere in class was noticeably more relaxed than before.
During dinner one day, everyone started discussing their winter break plans. Most were going to cram schools, some were visiting relatives in their hometowns with their parents, and others were traveling to different cities. Yan Luo said his family was going to America to visit his elder brother, Yan Qi, who had just bought a house in Washington.
Big Brother Yan Qi was the idol of our generation. He was five years older than my sister and was a super-achiever, even better than her. He had gone to America on a full scholarship to study medicine in college, and hadn't returned home once during his studies. Not only did he graduate early with straight A's and successfully pass his licensing exams, but he was now working at a very famous private hospital and had finally bought a house in Washington this year.
Yan Luo asked if I wanted to join them. Yan Dad and Yan Mom had both said that my airfare and room and board were covered; I just needed a passport and a visa. My eyes lit up at the thought! America! Going abroad! And it wouldn't cost me a cent! Only an idiot would say no!
But given my family situation, I doubted my mom would agree. She already didn't like me hanging out with Yan Luo, let alone going abroad with his family. But what if? I clung to a glimmer of hope and told Dad, asking if he could help me get a passport and an American visa.
Within a minute, Mom called, yelling at me right from the start.
"Yan Luo is in the top three in his class; getting into a prestigious university is a given for him. What about you? How can you have the nerve to go traveling with those grades?"
"Do you have any idea how much it costs to go abroad? Even if airfare and board are covered, do you think passports and visas are free?"
"They are a family going to reunite in America. Why are you acting like a hanger-on? They might just be being polite, and you have no sense of decorum—stop trying to insert yourself into everything."
"We have to meet Juyan's family during the New Year. Your sister has defended you so much—even after you knocked her over, she still spoke up for you—yet you’d rather go off on vacation than attend your sister’s big life event. What will they think of our family..."
She hadn't finished, but I hung up. I forced a smile at Yan Luo, who was sitting across from me. "I can't go. We have to meet my sister's boyfriend's family during the New Year, so I can't miss that."
Yan Luo hadn't heard everything Mom said, but he knew it wasn't just that. He looked at me with sympathy. "Why don't I have my mom talk to your parents? Sister Xun’s engagement isn't your engagement—what would it matter if you missed it?"
I said, "If I don't go, it’ll just be more fodder for them to criticize me. Thanks, Yan Luo, but let's forget it. New Year flights are so expensive; it’s not easy for your family to earn that money. When I have money in the future, we’ll go traveling together! We can go wherever we want, and then no one will be able to control me."
Yan Luo sighed. "Alright. I'll bring you a souvenir when I get back."
Several girls who had heard he was going abroad crowded around and chimed in, "Yan Luo, we heard you! I want a souvenir too!"
"Me too, me too! Don't play favorites!"
"Yeah, if Lianhe gets one, we have to have one too!"
Yan Luo said helplessly, "Fine, fine, you little madams."
Yuansu was picking at her food nearby, clearly wanting a souvenir but too shy to ask. Seeing her awkwardness, I took the initiative for her. "Hey, don't forget Yuansu's either!"
Yan Luo gave me an 'OK' sign. Yuansu gave me a shy nudge.
The dinner table was full of joy. I kept my head down, poking at the rice in my bowl. *Sigh, I really wanted to go to America with the Yan family.*
***
Although I couldn't go to America, that didn't stop my mom from using it to berate me.
That Saturday evening, as soon as I got home, Mom caught me at the door and listed all my "sins" from the past week: yelling at her in front of outsiders, knocking my sister over, staying at my sister's place, causing trouble for her and Juyan, and having the audacity to think about going abroad with the Yans... On top of that, I had dropped one spot in the weekly exam, which made my crimes unforgivable.
By the end, she announced that all my outings and my allowance were canceled. For winter break, aside from visiting relatives during the New Year, I had to stay home every day doing practice problems to "focus my mind." Dad tried to intervene, but he got scolded too: "Stop playing the nice guy! She has no memory for lessons; she needs to be prodded constantly to work hard! The college entrance exam is a life-changing event—if she doesn't care now, when will she? If she doesn't get into a good university, she won't even be able to find a good job later. Don't even talk about her supporting us in our old age; she'll just be back here living off us!"
Her lecturing was always the same, but no matter how many times I heard it, I could never get used to it. I stood there with red-rimmed eyes, which only made her angrier. "Cry, cry, cry, that's all you know how to do. If you had this free time, you should be doing more problems."
With that, she turned and walked back to her room, leaving behind, "Looking at you just irritates me."
Once she left, Dad patted my shoulder, his face full of guilt and pity. "Xiaohe..."
"Don't say anything, Dad." I pulled away from his hand and walked toward my room. "I’m going to do my problems."
Dad said, "It's so late, don't do problems. Let Dad cook something for you..."
"I'm not hungry." I closed the door.
Finally, I was alone. I spread out my study materials, weeping as I wrote, trying hard not to make a sound. *Why treat me like a criminal? Does Mom have no faults of her own? Why wasn't I born into the Yan family? Could the Yans adopt me?* My name and Yan Luo's even had the same radical—Yan Luo, Yan He—it looked like we belonged together... The more I thought about it, the sadder I became, until I finally fell asleep at my desk from exhaustion.
When I woke up the next morning, I found myself tucked into bed, my coat taken off and hung on the back of the chair, my pen capped. Dad must have come in.
It was after seven. The sounds of stir-frying came from the kitchen. I pushed the door open, and Dad was making breakfast. When he turned and saw me, he said coaxingly, "My good Xiaohe, did you sleep well last night? I made you some steamed egg custard. Go brush your teeth first."
Even though he couldn't stand up to Mom, at least he had endured the scolding with me. We were comrades in the same trench; he had done nothing wrong to me, so we shouldn't have internal strife.
I said an "oh" and accepted his small bribe, then remembered I hadn't showered the night before and went to get a change of clothes. However, I couldn't find the pair of underwear I had changed out of the day after Christmas. It was my favorite pair—a brand-name one I had only splurged on during the Double Eleven sale; I hadn't even dared tell Mom I bought them. I distinctly remembered throwing them in the laundry, but I hadn't seen them for two weeks. They weren't in the house, and they weren't at school. Had they blown away? I’d only worn them twice! I was too embarrassed to ask Dad, and I certainly didn't dare ask Mom. My heart ached, but I had to pretend I’d never bought them.
After I finished showering, Mom woke up and came out for breakfast. She frowned when she saw the steamed custard, and my father and I were both too scared to breathe. Fortunately, she just frowned and didn't say anything; perhaps she felt she had gone too far the previous night and was offering me a "sweet date." I nervously pulled the bowl of custard toward me, eating while silently mocking the situation. *Living like this is shaving years off my life. How did Dad ever end up with this woman?*
***
I wanted to make one final push and improve in the upcoming exams, so I could at least have some small say in my household. Unfortunately, the following weekly and final exams went terribly; I didn't just fall below the cutoff, my ranking plummeted.
*Disaster.* This winter break, I was destined to have no dignity.
The day for the Yan family’s trip abroad was set for shortly after the break began, on the day tickets were cheapest. Mom wouldn't allow me to leave, keeping me locked at home every day writing exams and doing problem sets, not even letting me see the Yans off.
On the afternoon the Yans left for the airport, I stood by the window and sent a text to Yan Luo, wishing them a safe trip. They were taking a taxi; they could have left from the south exit near their house without passing mine, but shortly after I sent the message, the whole family walked by downstairs with their suitcases, waving at my window.
I quickly pushed the window open and leaned out, waving back. I didn't even notice the cold wind rushing down my collar and sleeves. Because I was afraid of alerting Mom, we didn't make a sound, just kept waving. Yan Mom gestured for me to go back inside, that leaning out was too dangerous. Once I pulled back, they dropped their hands and walked away with their suitcases.
As their car drove off, I stood by the window, feeling utterly desolate. Now, even if I were wronged at home, I had nowhere left to hide. They hadn't taken Curry with them. I really wanted to care for the dog, but Mom hated animals and was allergic to dog hair, so they had left Curry at a friend's house.
I returned to the desk and looked at the mountain of assignments; for a split second, I really wanted to tear them all to shreds. But that was just a thought—Yan Luo wasn't here, and who would help me photocopy my assignments or let me copy their homework? So I couldn't tear them; I had to keep going. I functioned like a machine, plodding along until New Year's Eve, feeling like I was going to vomit from looking at the stacks of papers and notes.
On New Year's Eve, my sister came back. She had been busy at the company until six, and by the time she arrived, the sounds of firecrackers were everywhere. Mom was delighted to see her and asked why Juyan hadn't come.
My sister said, "He has to go home for the New Year’s Eve dinner. We’re meeting at the Jingang Hotel at ten o'clock tomorrow morning for dim sum. Oh, by the way, this is a gift he brought for you."
Mom's tone was cheerful. "Why is that child always so polite? Oh my, a cashmere scarf, and it’s Australian? Is this for me? *Hee hee*, he’s spent too much money..."
My sister asked, "Where's Xiaohe?"
Mom said, "Studying in her room."
My sister looked distressed. "Mom, studying doesn't need to happen every single second. It’s the New Year, just let her rest a bit."
Dad chimed in from the side. "Yes, Xiaohe has been locked in her room since break started, not even allowed out. She didn't even get to see Yan Luo off; she doesn't say anything, but who knows how hurt she is inside..."
"If she’s not capable enough to do well on exams, is that my fault for being too strict? Aren't I doing it for her own good? If it were someone else's kid, do you think I’d care? Forget it, one of you go call her; we’re about to eat dumplings and watch the Spring Festival Gala."
Hearing this, I was as happy as if I'd been granted amnesty, though I still made sure to put on a look of intense concentration as I emerged.