Chapter 6

Although I had no heart for it, I still pulled myself together and gave Dad my New Year’s greetings. Dad handed me a red envelope and invited me to watch the rebroadcast of the Spring Festival Gala with him. I sat down beside him and opened the envelope; it contained twice as much as in previous years. My Mom certainly wouldn't be giving me a red envelope this year—she’d be lucky if she hadn't beaten me to death—so Dad must have given me her share as well. I tucked the envelope into my pajama pocket and accidentally touched the jade bracelet. Fortunately, the pocket was deep; even with all my Mom’s pulling and tearing, it hadn't been chipped. I took the bracelet out and handed it to Dad. "I don't want this anymore." Dad nodded and passed me a bag of honey walnuts. "Watch the TV. There were a few skits yesterday after you fell asleep that were quite interesting, especially the one by Hao Jian." I took the bag and rested my head on his shoulder, eating while watching the singing and dancing on screen. As for Juyan, whether he intended to hold me accountable or demand an apology, as long as Dad was by my side, I wasn't afraid of the consequences.

The waiting felt agonizingly long. Finally, Dad’s phone rang. I saw "Unknown" on the caller ID. When he answered, Juyan’s voice came through: "Hello, Uncle." Dad was clearly nervous, but seeing me even more anxious beside him, he composed himself and said, "It’s me. Since you’re calling, I assume Xiao Xun’s mother has already spoken with you?" "She has." "And your response?" Juyan didn't answer directly. "I’d like to meet with Lianhe. Of course, you are welcome to listen in." I shook my head immediately. I didn't have the courage to confront him face-to-face. From the first time I met him, I had been a little afraid of him. Dad said, "It’s better if you two don't meet for now. If it’s inconvenient to talk over the phone, we can arrange a place outside. I want to hear your explanation for all of this." Juyan replied, "There is nothing inconvenient about it. I can answer right now: I know absolutely nothing about it." "But Xiaohe wouldn't just make things up for no reason..." "With all due respect, Uncle, instead of suspecting me, you should be more concerned about Lianhe’s state of mind. I hear she’s been under a lot of pressure at school and doesn't get along with her mother. If she needs psychological counseling, I can recommend an expert." This was a polite way of saying there was something wrong with my head. Only then did it occur to Dad that this was a possibility, and he began to stammer. "This... her state of mind is poor, but not... not to the point of saying things like that..." Juyan’s voice remained steady. "Whether you seek counseling or call the police, I will cooperate. Also—" He paused, then continued, "My engagement to Lianxun is cancelled." Dad was stunned. "Ah, cancelled? You... I..." "Once you have thoroughly dispelled your suspicions of me, we can put this matter back on the agenda. I wish you and Lianhe a Happy New Year." With that, Juyan hung up the phone decisively. Dad held the disconnected phone, looking at me, at a loss. I knew he was scared. He had lived under the thumb of my Mom’s tyranny for decades. Although he had stood up for himself to protect me for a moment, now that he had ruined my Elder Sister’s engagement, the mere thought of my Mom’s fury when she returned made him tremble with fear. Just as we were sitting there, anxious and not knowing what to do, we heard the door open. My Mom came back alone. She clearly already knew about the cancellation of the engagement. Upon entering, she didn't even bother to look at us, heading straight into the bedroom to start packing. Dad hurried in after her and asked, "Where is Xiao Xun?" Mom said coldly, "Get lost." Dad hesitated, then asked with concern, "Why are you packing?" Mom said, "I find the sight of you two sickening." She finished packing, pulled her suitcase out, passed through the living room, and left without even casting a glance at me. I collapsed onto the sofa, my hands and feet icy cold. Dad came out to comfort me. "Xiaohe, she’s in a bad mood. Going to stay at your Elder Sister’s place for a few days will be fine; she can take care of your sister too." "...Mm." I had actually destroyed my Elder Sister’s engagement with a single sentence, hurting my Mom just as I had wished. But I didn't feel happy at all; I only felt lost, ashamed, and unworthy of being seen. Dad hesitated for a moment, sat down beside me, and said in a conciliatory tone, "In a few days, when the hospital opens, shall I take you to see a psychologist?" I said, "Okay." Thinking about what I had done today, it truly didn't seem like something a normal person would do. Maybe I really was crazy.

My Mom truly didn't come back. Dad called her, saying it would invite gossip if a family didn't visit relatives together during the New Year, but Mom ignored him. So, on the second day of the New Year, Dad had to take me to visit our relatives alone. There were only two families: Dad had an uncle and an aunt on his side, and Mom had no one. They lived on the outskirts of the city. They weren't struggling financially, but they were very stingy. During holidays, we were the only ones bringing them gifts; they never invited us for a meal, and the gifts they returned were never as good as the ones we gave. My Mom used to hate visiting these two, but Dad said his parents died young and he owed his upbringing to his uncle and aunt; otherwise, he would have starved to death. My Mom scoffed at this. "They took your parents' house and land and didn't leave you a damn thing. Isn't it only right that they raised you?" This year, we visited the uncle first, then the aunt. Dad gave out five or six red envelopes, but they only returned two, using the same old excuse: "Since your eldest didn't come to pay her respects, we won't give her one." I used to get angry about this—why shouldn't my Elder Sister get a red envelope just because she wasn't there? Dad would always persuade me, saying it only happened once a year and it was just a few hundred yuan, so I shouldn't fuss. This time, I wasn't in the mood to be angry over money. I couldn't even be bothered to open the envelopes; I just shoved them into my pocket as soon as I received them. After we got home, I noticed Dad was preoccupied and asked, "Dad, what's wrong?" Dad smiled. "Nothing, don't worry about it..." I remembered that while paying our respects, the adults of those two families had whispered with Dad, avoiding me. At first, I thought they were gossiping about my Mom, but their expressions didn't seem right, so I asked, "What did the uncle and aunt say to you?" "Oh, nothing much." I said, "They weren't asking you for money, were they?" Dad was stunned. "You heard?" "...I guessed." My Dad really couldn't hide his thoughts. Since I had already guessed, he told me everything. "It is exactly that. Your elder cousin is getting married this year, but the woman he's marrying insists on having a house and a car before she’ll wed. They've already paid the down payment on the house, but they're still five or six tens of thousands short for the car. Your eldest cousin is preparing for her second marriage this year, and your aunt wants to add more to her dowry so she won't be looked down upon by her in-laws, but she’s tight on cash..." I said unhappily, "If they don't have the money, then don't get married! It’s already such a struggle for the uncle to buy a car and house for one son; are the other two cousins going to ask us for money when their turn comes? When the eldest cousin had her first wedding the year before last, the aunt said she had no money for a dowry, but you added to it behind Mom’s back and gave her a huge red envelope at the wedding, which made Mom furious. Our own family needs money too! We haven't finished paying off the mortgage, and Elder Sister is also..." I stopped myself there. I had already ruined my Elder Sister’s engagement this year. Dad sighed heavily at my words. "I know, I know... but after all, they are my own brother and sister, and my own nephew and niece..." I protested, "Are Elder Sister and I not your own daughters? If you have so much money to burn, just buy me an Apple computer." Dad gave a wry smile. "You want an Apple computer? Wait until you’re in college, alright? Let’s not talk about this. What do you want for lunch?" I continued to be indignant. "Look, they wouldn't even treat us to a meal, so how could they have the nerve to ask you for money?" Dad gently tapped the back of my head. "Alright, don't be so unforgiving. Both families are worried about money; how could they have the capacity to think of us? Shall we have lamb hotpot?" "Fine." I followed Dad to the kitchen to help, peeling onions and garlic. As I worked, I asked, "Dad, do you really think I’m mentally unwell?" Dad said, "Nonsense, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just under too much pressure. Be good, don't think too much. Let the doctor take a look and check you out; it’s no big deal." "If there’s nothing wrong with me, does that mean I have to apologize to Elder Sister and... Brother Juyan?" "That goes without saying." Dad smiled at me. "I’ll go with you to apologize." "...Mm."

When Mom wasn't home, Dad and I lived quite freely, without the need to be cautious all the time for fear of saying something wrong and getting scolded. But this freedom felt like a final meal before an execution; the moment we thought about the inevitable day of reckoning, neither of us could feel happy. By the seventh day of the New Year, the clinic opened, and Dad took me to the hospital. It was my first time visiting a hospital for psychological issues. I thought we would go to the psychology department, but the information desk sent us to psychiatry. Looking at the word "Psychiatry" on the registration slip, I felt even more like a lunatic. There weren't many people visiting psychiatry during the New Year. When we arrived, the doctor was seeing a patient. The office was noisy, with sobbing and shouting heard from time to time, which made my heart race. Finally, a girl younger than me, her eyelids red and swollen, was dragged out of the office by her parents. The father, looking ferocious, jabbed his finger hard against the girl's head repeatedly. "Have I ever skimped on your food or drink? Thinking of all this nonsense all day long and making yourself depressed—you’re just full of it! Do you know how expensive one consultation is? You brat, you never let me have a peaceful day. Since you’re so useless, you don't need to go to school anymore. Go out and find a job!" The girl's mother saw Dad and me watching them and pulled at her husband’s sleeve. "Keep your voice down, we’ll talk about this at home..." The man shook her off and roared, "What kind of home? Is that even a home? I let you stay home to watch the kid and you don't have to worry about anything else, but you actually manage to let your daughter become a mental patient! You two can both get out! I don't want to see you again!" He strode away. The wife, having been scolded and afraid to take it out on her husband, shoved the girl, a look of disappointment and resentment on her face. The girl, accustomed to this, followed them silently. This scene terrified me. The man’s yelling sounded just like my Mom. My Mom already looked down on me. If I were diagnosed with an illness, would she just give up on me and take this opportunity to divorce my Dad? Thinking of how determined she was when she left on the first day of the New Year, without even glancing at me, I panicked so much I didn't even hear the nurse calling my name. I had already harmed my Elder Sister and Juyan; was I going to harm my parents too? Dad reminded me, "Xiaohe, it’s our turn." I sat on the chair, my legs feeling weak. "Dad... let’s... let’s go back..." Dad comforted me. "Don't be afraid. Whether you’re sick or not, you’re still my daughter." "Dad, I’m sorry, I was wrong..." I couldn't hold it in any longer and confessed, tears streaming down my face. "I lied, I tricked you on purpose..." "..." The nurse walked over and tentatively called out, "Lianhe?" Dad waved her off. "We aren't going to see the doctor." Then, he helped me up. "Let’s go." In the hospital garden, I told Dad everything from start to finish. "The day Brother Juyan came over, I had a dream... Mom was always saying I wasn't as good as Elder Sister, so I wanted to ruin her engagement to make Mom suffer... I’m sorry, Dad. I know I was wrong, I really was wrong... I’ll go and apologize to Elder Sister and Brother Juyan. Please, you and Mom shouldn't get a divorce, don't abandon me..." By the end, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Dad stood silently, waiting for me to finish. He looked at the sky, let out a long sigh, and then raised his hand. I thought he was going to hit me and instinctively flinched. But he didn't. His hand landed on my shoulder and he patted it gently. "These past few days haven't been easy for you, have they?"

Initially, I had been crying in a stifled way, but Dad’s words brought out all my hidden grievances. I buried my head in his chest and cried out loud. Yes, I had committed a great wrong, but I had been pushed to this point by my Mom! If all the blame were placed on me, I would truly feel wronged! Dad kept patting my back until I was tired of crying, and then he spoke. "I’ll call your Elder Sister and Juyan now. Let’s go and apologize to them together, shall we?" I nodded through my sobs and asked, "Mom will go too, right?" "If she wants to go, she can. We’ll talk about our family's issues later." Dad called my Elder Sister first. Mom answered the phone. She said coldly, "Xiao Xun is sick. I have to take care of her; I don't have time to deal with you two. You can apologize to whoever you want." Dad said, "How is Xiao Xun sick? What kind of illness? Is it serious?" Mom was sharp-tongued. "You never treated her like a daughter. Why act like a good father now?" Dad replied with some firmness, "Then have you ever treated Xiaohe like a daughter? If you hadn't provoked her, would she have said those things?" Mom laughed on the other end. "Oh, you’re blaming me now? Did I teach her to say those shameless things? If I’m not capable of raising your daughter, then you raise her yourself! Also, if Xiao Xun can't marry Juyan, I’m divorcing you." Dad said, "I will do my best to have her make amends for the mess she caused. You should also stop using divorce as a threat. It doesn't mean much to me." Mom shouted into the phone, "You want a divorce? Fine! I’ll be waiting! Whoever doesn't do it is a dog!" Then she hung up. I asked anxiously, "Dad, you aren't really going to divorce Mom, are you?" Dad gave me a faint smile. "How could that be? We were just arguing in the heat of the moment, don't think too much about it." He then called Juyan. Juyan was polite and didn't say anything harsh. Dad asked him to dinner, and he agreed. After that, Dad and I spent the whole afternoon drafting what we would say to apologize. Before we left, Dad brought the jade bracelet along, intending to return it. The gift was too heavy; I couldn't bear it. In the evening, we arrived early at a high-end restaurant we wouldn't usually visit and chose a quiet corner. We were nervous, but then Juyan arrived. He had been working overtime and was wearing his long coat over his shirt and trousers. It was the same coat he had draped over me last time. I felt like the wolf in the story of "Mr. Dongguo," or the snake in "The Farmer and the Snake." In short, I was the type of person who repaid kindness with evil. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have said those things even if it killed me. He sat opposite us. Dad let him order, and he did. Seeing that we hadn't ordered, he helped us too. After the waiter left, Dad said remorsefully, "Juyan, I am truly sorry for this! Xiaohe has admitted that she lied. It’s all because I didn't raise her well, I am truly sorry!" Dad lowered his head, and I did the same. "Brother Juyan, I’m sorry. I know I was wrong, and I will never do that again. I’ve caused you a lot of trouble and even ruined your engagement with my Elder Sister. I truly regret it. Please, can you give me a chance to make amends..." Juyan said, "Fine. I accept your apology." Although I had inferred from our past interactions that he wasn't the type to hold a grudge, I hadn't expected him to be so straightforward. I immediately looked up at him, full of expectation. "Brother Juyan, my Elder Sister is sick, and only Mom is taking care of her. Dad and I want to visit, but we’re afraid she’ll be angry. If you go and tell her you’ll re-engage, she’ll be very happy." Juyan, however, said, "There won't be an engagement." Dad and I were both stunned. Dad said, "Now that the misunderstanding has been cleared up, and you and Xiao Xun were so close, why not get engaged?" Juyan’s tone was flat, as if he were talking about someone else’s affairs. "Because Lianxun broke up with me yesterday."

My Elder Sister had broken up with him! The food arrived. Seeing that we were both stunned and had no intention of eating, Juyan said, "We didn't break up solely because of Lianhe; there were other reasons. You don't need to blame yourselves too much. Let’s eat." With that, he picked up his knife and fork and skillfully began to cut his steak. But Dad and I were filled with such complex emotions that we couldn't eat a thing. Juyan cut his steak, then pushed the plate toward me. I looked at the plate, tears dripping onto the tablecloth one by one. Even after we had caused such a scene, he was still so thoughtful. Yet I had been so despicable and shameless as to tear my Elder Sister and him apart! I had even intentionally broken the necklace he gave my Mom. Dad took out the jade bracelet and placed it on the table. "And this. We cannot accept it; it’s too valuable. Since you and Xiao Xun have broken up, our family will definitely return the value of the other gifts you gave as well." Juyan said, "There’s no need, Uncle. Gifts given are not meant to be taken back. Although Lianxun and I have broken up, I truly considered you all as family at the time. Please respect my intentions from back then." Family... Those words hurt more than my Mom’s insults. Dad said, "But..." We kept interrupting his meal, so Juyan couldn't eat anymore. He put down his knife and fork and said, "Let’s end this here. If there’s nothing else, I’ll be going." He stood up, walked over to me, put the bracelet back on my wrist, and said, "It suits you very well." Then he let go of my hand, nodded slightly to my Dad, and said, "Goodbye, Uncle." He walked away without looking back. The bracelet on my wrist felt cool, its dark light flowing under the ambient lights. Dad and I didn't eat much either, and we left the restaurant, feeling dejected. It was only one stop away from my Elder Sister’s place. Dad bought some fruits and snacks to visit her. When we got downstairs, I was afraid of seeing her and my Mom, so I didn't dare go up, and Dad told me to wait while he went alone. Before long, he came back down, looking completely defeated.