The Chaldea afternoon, sunlight (or rather, simulated sunlight) streamed lazily onto the control room floor through the massive observation window, attempting to create a false sense of tranquility. The air was tinged with the scents of disinfectant, machine oil, and a faint, almost imperceptible… burnt smell? Perhaps another laboratory had exploded.
I sat before the control console, three screens piled in front of me. One displayed the logistics department's loss report for the "Pumpkin Cream Stew Incident" (main compensation recipients: the dining table pierced by a Holy Lance that needed replacement, and several weak Servants requiring psychological counseling after being choked by chili sauce). Another showed Da Vinci's preliminary conclusion on the "Energy Characteristic Analysis of the Alien Scam Window" (conclusion: quite comical, but technically sophisticated). The last screen was a private communication window quietly opened by Dr. Roman… no, King Solomon.
【King Solomon: Ritsuka, regarding that "Customer Service Window," I've performed some profile analysis. Its underlying logic seems based on a very ancient "contract" system, mixed with extraterrestrial technology and… hmm… a certain obsession akin to "Telemarketing." It might return.】
I typed a reply: 【Next time, have it transferred to a human representative.】
【King Solomon: ……】
"Senpai!" Mash's voice, laced with a hint of imperceptible panic, carried from the doorway. "It's bad! The kitchen… the kitchen again…"
I looked up. Mash stood there, holding her shield, her face pale.
"Did Head Chef Gao Yang Si Ya develop another new dish?" I guessed reasonably. That fox spirit's obsession with the cafeteria was almost as strong as her desire for mora.
"No! It's… it's His Majesty King of Heroes and Master Merlin! They… they're fighting in the kitchen!"
Me: "…" This was rather novel.
By the time I arrived at the kitchen door, it was already surrounded by a crowd of Servants who enjoyed the spectacle. The Artorias had even brought chairs and were holding popcorn from who-knows-where (I suspected Merlin conjured it with Illusion Magic).
Inside the kitchen, it was a disaster zone.
On one side, the golden Gate of Babylon portals were wide open, not shooting Noble Phantasms, but cascading… all sorts of top-tier ingredients? Kobe Beef, white truffles, Alpine Snow Water, fruits of Mythical Creature Fruit emanating magic… King Gilgamesh stood beneath the culinary waterfall, arms crossed, his expression so grim it could drip black water.
"Scum! Was the "Taurus of Heaven" Snowflake Crisp, my personal afternoon tea delicacy, stolen by you?!" he demanded, his target the Merlin on the other side, who was frantically trying to manage the situation.
Merlin's situation was even more spectacular. In front of him sat a giant, bubbling cauldron of seven colors, simmering with some kind of viscous, color-changing liquid. His magic staff was stuck in the pot, stirring furiously, attempting to suppress the Chocolate Rabbits trying to escape, the screaming cream puffs, and the clouds emitting suspicious pink smoke. In his other hand, he still tightly clutched a half-eaten, golden-glinting snowflake crisp.
"Oh my, my King, you can't say that~" Merlin said, stirring and grinning sheepishly. "I was merely "appraising" it for you! As Chaldea's sole Archon Candidate Magus (self-proclaimed), I have a responsibility to ensure the Master's food safety! What if something bad was added? You see, after my inspection, it is indeed a bit too sweet, bad for the teeth…"
"Nonsense!" The King of Heroes roared with anger. More top-tier ingredients rained down from his treasury, almost burying Merlin. "My royal confectioner has created a masterpiece drawing from the dessert essences of the three ancient civilizations of Sumer, Egypt, and India! How dare you, Magus of Flowers (shameful edition), criticize it! Return the half you're holding to me! And those disgusting things in your pot, disappear at once!"
"Disappear? What a waste!" Merlin shouted. "This is my latest creation, the "Dream Come True Colorful Assortment Dessert Pot"! It fuses modern dessert artistry with the supreme crystallization of Illusion Magic! Eating it will grant three days of beautiful dreams!"
A massive, unknown fruit of Mythical Creature Fruit, adorned with snowflakes and exuding a minty aroma, struck Merlin on the head.
"Ouch!"
Taking advantage of Merlin's pain, the King of Heroes raised his hand, a golden light about to shoot towards the seven-colored pot—
"Wait!" I had to speak up. The pink smoke from the pot had already begun to corrode the kitchen's range hood!
My voice made both great figures pause. The King of Heroes snorted and retracted his golden light, but his gaze towards me clearly stated, "You better give me an explanation."
Merlin, on the other hand, looked like he'd seen a savior. "Master! You've come at the perfect time! Hurry, taste my new creation! I guarantee it's a hundred times tastier than that tooth-achingly sweet snowflake crisp!" As he spoke, he scooped a blob of bubbling, rainbow-colored, still-wriggling jelly-like substance from the pot with his magic staff and was about to shove it into my mouth.
Nightingale's furious roar, like a thunderclap, approached from the other end of the corridor: "Merlin! Put down that hazardous material! Ritsuka! Step back! Danger!"
A white figure charged into the kitchen like a tank, the hemostatic forceps in her hand precisely knocking away the blob of rainbow substance from Merlin's staff. The substance fell to the ground, let out a "squeak," and then melted into a puddle emitting a scent like a mixture of strawberries and machine oil.
"Kitchen is a restricted area! No unauthorized creation of unknown liquids! No fighting! No feeding the Master!" Nightingale's eyes, sharp as lightning, scanned the entire room, finally settling on the mountain of ingredients piled up by the King of Heroes. "These! Uninspected! May contain parasites and unknown bacteria! Confiscate all of them! Send them to the sterilization room for high-temperature, high-pressure treatment!"
King of Heroes: "??? My…"
"And you!" Nightingale pointed at Merlin again, "And this pot of… things! Dispose of them immediately into the hazardous waste chute! Immediately!"
Merlin: "My dream pot…"
"This is an order!" Nightingale raised the largest surgical knife.
Under the Head Nurse's absolute authority (and armed threat), the two Archon (Candidate) Servants temporarily ceased hostilities.
The King of Heroes, his face dark, put away his treasury. Merlin, with a heartbroken expression, began to deal with his utterly unsalvageable "dream pot."
I bent down and picked up the half-eaten "Taurus of Heaven" snowflake crisp from the floor, still smeared with a bit of rainbow liquid. I looked at it.
"King," I said, turning to Gilgamesh, "Would you mind if I take this to Da Vinci for energy analysis? Perhaps we can find the real reason Merlin stole it." I subtly glanced at the extremely faint Magical Fluctuation residue on the snowflake crisp—not Merlin's, but another more obscure magic with a hint of mischievousness.
The King of Heroes narrowed his eyes, instantly understanding. A cold arc formed on his lips. "Granted. Ensure you investigate this thoroughly."
Merlin's actions froze.
I took the half snowflake crisp and, amidst Merlin's wails of "Wait, that's evidence, you can't…", calmly walked out of the kitchen.
Passing the Artorias who were watching the show, I casually grabbed a handful of popcorn from their bucket.
"Eh?!" Artoria (Lancer) didn't react.
"Evidence storage fee," I explained, and left, chewing the popcorn.
From behind, Artoria (Alter)'s cold voice was heard: "Scum, daring to steal the King's popcorn… Bedivere, bring another bucket."
Back in the control room, I threw the half snowflake crisp to Da Vinci for analysis.
The results came back quickly.
"The snowflake crisp's surface has extremely faint traces of Illusion Magic, with the effects of 'Extreme Temptation' and 'Must Share.'" Da Vinci's expression was odd. "The caster's technique is very skillful, almost undetectable, but… the style is familiar."
She pulled up another report, the previous analysis of the alien scam window's energy residue.
"It's the same source as the underlying Mental Suggestion the window used to 'induce payment.'"
Da Vinci and I exchanged glances.
So, Merlin didn't steal the snowflake crisp entirely out of gluttony? He was ambushed? And that ambush came from the same group as the scam window? They even resorted to such prank-like tricks? What was their purpose? To cause chaos? To test our reactions? Or simply found it amusing?
"Are they… a little too idle?" Da Vinci couldn't help but comment.
I packaged the analysis report and sent it directly to the King of Heroes and Merlin (with a copy to Nightingale regarding "Potential health risks after contact with unknown magical residues").
Ten minutes later.
The King of Heroes' roar echoed through half of Chaldea: "Despicable vermin! To defile my delicacies with such base methods!"
Merlin's wail followed closely: "I am a victim! Innocent! Master! You must testify for me! Head Nurse! You can't drink that disinfectant!"
It seemed the temporary peace had ended.
I picked up the internal communicator.
"Logistics department, order another set of kitchen equipment, corrosion-resistant and Magic-resistant."