"Surrender, Bingtang Xueli, you've run out of moves!"
Inside the Golden Oak Library, Spike faced Twilight Sparkle—both of them down to a mere 100 HP, with Twilight having only a single 1700-attack monster on the field and one face-down card. Looking at the mighty 3100-attack Hydra on his own side of the board, Spike felt victory was securely in his grasp.
Bingtang Xueli remained silent, his expression still utterly serene as he spoke.
"Your life points are already flickering like a candle in the wind."
Spike scoffed at the remark, then ordered the Hydra to launch an attack.
Still, just to be safe, he decided to strike the face-down card first.
As the Hydra struck, the face-down card flipped up to reveal a Golden Oak Library, materializing right in front of the Hydra to block the blow.
Though he hadn't managed to finish Bingtang Xueli off in one stroke, Spike didn't panic in the slightest.
"Just buying yourself another turn! You've still got nowhere left to run!"
Hearing this, Bingtang Xueli offered a gentle, faint smile.
"My turn! I activate Twilight Sparkle's card effect: Scholar's Wrath! By sacrificing the library, Twilight Sparkle's attack power doubles!"
Spike's face drained of color, and the game came to an abrupt end. Boosted by Scholar's Wrath, Twilight Sparkle wiped out both the Hydra and Spike's remaining life points in a single blow.
"You've still got a long way to go, Spike."
The smile vanished from Spike's face—though it didn't disappear entirely, merely migrating across to Bingtang Xueli's.
Spike could only sigh in resignation. He hadn't won a single duel during this entire stretch, and the most agonizing part was that he always came *this* close to winning. The script was invariably the same:
Bingtang Xueli's position looks grim -> Bingtang Xueli makes one blunder after another -> Bingtang Xueli is plunged into a bitter struggle -> Bingtang Xueli is caught between a rock and a hard place -> Bingtang Xueli makes a desperate last stand -> Bingtang Xueli completely collapses -> Bingtang Xueli's defeat is sealed -> Bingtang Xueli delivers his victory speech.
Looking at Spike sighing so adorably before him, and then thinking back to the dragon from yesterday, Bingtang Xueli couldn't help marveling: how could dragons vary so wildly from one another?
Just yesterday, Twilight had received a letter from Princess Celestia instructing them to wake a giant dragon sleeping in a distant cave and escort it out of Equestria.
The ponies had been utterly thrilled upon receiving the mission, vowing not to fail the Princess's trust—with the sole exception of Fluttershy, who was practically dragged along the entire way.
Battling through brambles and thorns, fighting their way past every obstacle, the ponies finally arrived before the cave billowing with black smoke. Twilight had originally drawn up a meticulous plan, but because Fluttershy got too terrified and hid, they had no choice but to try waking the dragon one by one.
Before starting, everyone had asked Bingtang Xueli if he knew anything about dragons. As it turned out, his knowledge on the subject was practically nil; he knew barely any more than Twilight, mostly because he had deliberately given the Valley of the Dragon a wide berth during his travels.
Are you kidding? What sane creature takes a day trip to the Dragon Valley? You have to realize those giant dragons weren't exactly conversationalists—they genuinely ate ponies.
Still, Bingtang Xueli wasn't worried this time. After all, the Princess herself had sent them! If this giant dragon dared to lay a claw on them, he'd just drop Princess Celestia's name. Let's see what kind of courage this dragon had to mess with them then!
It was the classic case of a mutt barking behind its master's prestige—or in this case, a pony puffing out his chest on the Princess's authority!
The ponies took turns going inside to try, and every single one of them failed. When Bingtang Xueli's turn came, his initial plan was to kick things off with a rousing, high-energy musical number to get the dragon pumped. *Sleep? Who needs sleep? Time to rock!*
Things went fine at first, right up until the dragon grew utterly sick of the racket and announced right then and there that a dragon was trying to sleep here and would they mind keeping the noise down.
Well, Bingtang Xueli couldn't take that kind of disrespect. He simply wouldn't stand for his art being insulted, and flew off the handle on the spot. "You stupid dragon, what do you know about art? This is culture!"
Infuriated by the scolding, the dragon started making threats. But Bingtang Xueli's brain suddenly short-circuited. He had originally intended to toss out Princess Celestia's illustrious name to terrify the beast, but instead, out popped this exact sentence:
"Who do you think you're trying to intimidate? I'm a pony who's actually thrown down with Nightmare Moon!"
Never mind whether he won or lost—did he fight her or not? What's that? You say I got one-shotted the second I stepped up, and from an ambush at that? Well, never mind all that—did we fight or not?
Looking at the sheer audacity radiating from the pony before him, the dragon began to feel he wasn't lying. Everyone in the world knew the name Nightmare Moon; even if this pony hadn't beaten her, just having the qualification to trade blows with Nightmare Moon made him a terrifying entity indeed!
And so, the dragon shrank back into the corner, watching in terror as Bingtang Xueli blustered... er, joyfully recounted his earth-shattering, epic duel against Nightmare Moon.
As he went on and on, Bingtang Xueli actually talked himself into believing it, deciding he simply had to teach this brute a lesson!
Then he executed a textbook kick-boxing maneuver against a boulder.
The end result was him rolling around on the ground, clutching his hoof in agony and wailing, before the dragon flicked its tail and swatted him right out of the cave.
The other ponies weren't the least bit surprised by Bingtang Xueli's failure; they hadn't counted on him succeeding in the first place.
Watching her friends fail one by one, Rainbow Dash felt indignation flare in her heart. She flew straight into the cave, delivered a sharp hoof-kick right to the dragon's snout, and promptly received the exact same treatment as her fellow blunderer—swatted out by a tail-swipe to crash squarely on top of the newly risen Bingtang Xueli.
By this point, the dragon had completely lost its temper. *You lot of ponies are really pushing your luck!* It crawled out of the cave, ready to teach these ungrateful pests a lesson.
The ponies huddled together, shivering with terror. Bingtang Xueli stammered that if they dared lay a finger on them, Princess Celestia wouldn't let them off. But the giant dragon just roared with laughter, declaring, "Good! If Princess Celestia dares show her face, I'll take her on! Not even Lauren Faust can save you! Hell, if Hasbro's writers rode in on Megatron, I'd take the whole lot of you down!"
Of course, he certainly didn't dare truly think that—he wasn't foolish enough to believe he could actually trade blows with Princess Celestia. It was just that he'd been played for an absolute fool by Bingtang Xueli moments earlier, and now he wouldn't believe a single word coming out of that pony's mouth.
As it turned out, neither Hasbro's writers nor Megatron showed up—Fluttershy did.
An enraged Fluttershy fixed her fierce, unblinking glare directly onto the giant dragon. In that instant, the beast trembled like a naughty puppy caught in the act.
Bingtang Xueli had previously thought being glared at by Fluttershy felt like being targeted by a giant dragon, but as it turned out, even a giant dragon when glared at by Fluttershy had to behave like a good little puppy and offer a meek apology.
Finally, through a combination of stern pressure and gentle persuasion from Fluttershy, the giant dragon gathered up its treasure, tucked its tail between its legs, and slinked out of Equestria in utter disgrace.
Bingtang Xueli couldn't help marveling: Fluttershy truly was a divine pony!
Just as Bingtang Xueli was lost in admiration, Twilight called a dejected Spike away to help her practice magic. Hearing this, Bingtang Xueli piped up, "Oh, nice! Count me in!"
Which brought them to the current scene.
"Spike, I have to say, your beard looks fantastic. But compared to mine, it's still miles behind."
"Oh, come off it, Xueli. Where's the aesthetic in that bushy beard of yours? Look at this exquisite handlebar mustache of mine—it screams maturity and authority."
As Spike bantered with Bingtang Xueli and praised his facial hair, he made a checkmark in a little notebook.
"Twenty-five different spells! And the number's still climbing. Twilight, you are truly amazing! And this decision was the absolute best."
He stroked his mustache as he spoke, and Bingtang Xueli nodded in agreement.
Twilight, however, did not share their sentiment.
"Sorry, handsome boys, but I can't let you keep these."
Amidst their looks of dismay, Twilight magicked their mustaches away.
Right then, a knock sounded at the library door. It swung open to reveal Lyra Heartstrings stepping inside.
"Hey, Xueli, I heard you were here so I came looking for you. There's a brand new Unicorn in town, and she's about to put on a show in the square!"
Upon hearing this, Bingtang Xueli's mood instantly soured.
"What? Some outsider has the nerve to come to Ponyville and muscle in on my turf? Let's go, I'm going to go give this chump a piece of my mind right now!"
With that, he strode purposefully out of the library.
The Ponyville square was already packed shoulder to shoulder with ponies, all gathered around a small travel trailer.
Bingtang Xueli quickly spotted his cousin, and Applejack looked down at the huffing-and-puffing Bingtang Xueli with a raised brow.
"What's got you so riled up, Xueli?"
"Some pony actually had the nerve to come to my turf and steal the spotlight. I've got to go show her what's what."
Just as Bingtang Xueli was declaring with righteous indignation that he was going to teach this newcomer from parts unknown a lesson, the trailer unfolded. Amidst a burst of smoke and flashy pyrotechnics, a blue-furred, white-maned Unicorn mare wearing a star-patterned cape and a pointed wizard's hat emerged from the haze. She began boasting about her immense power while magicking up a dazzling display of fireworks.
Bingtang Xueli didn't catch a single word of what the Unicorn was saying. All he knew was that his heart had suddenly started hammering against his ribs. The moment his gaze locked onto those purple eyes, the entire world seemed to stand completely still.
"Oh, brother, talk about a braggart."
Rarity was the first to voice her irritation at Trixie's boasting. But when she turned back to seek her friends' agreement, she found everyone staring at Bingtang Xueli, who was standing frozen in place like a crashed computer.
"Hey! Xueli! Hey!"
Applejack waved a hoof right in front of his eyes, but it was completely useless. It took Rainbow Dash's intervention—delivering a solid, heavy whack straight to the back of Bingtang Xueli's head—to finally snap him out of it.
"Rainbow Dash, are you out of your damn mind?!"
Bingtang Xueli rubbed the back of his head and glared daggers at Rainbow Dash.
"I think the one out of their minds isn't me. Some pony's eyeballs were practically glued out of their sockets," Rainbow Dash snapped right back, refusing to yield an inch.
"What? No way! She just happened to hit every single one of my aesthetic notes, look at that gorgeous white mane, and..."
"Hold on, hold on. Didn't you just say she was trying to steal your turf? Why aren't you minding that anymore?" Twilight asked with a teasing smirk.
"Well... she's doing magic tricks, and I'm a singer. How can you call that stealing turf among artists?"
That led into another flurry of flowery, pretentious prose that had the other mares chuckling aloud.
"So aren't you going to go give her a piece of your mind?" Rarity chimed in with a playful jab.
"Oh, she's definitely getting a piece of my mind!"
He whipped his head around toward Trixie, who was still setting off fireworks, and yelled at the top of his lungs: "Hey! Look over here!" Then he pointed a hoof at Fluttershy. "Look! Yellow!"
Startled by the sudden commotion, Fluttershy pulled her head straight back into her mane.
Trixie looked utterly bewildered. She had no idea what this black-and-white stallion was rambling about, but she ignored him and went right back to her boasting.
At first, the ponies didn't mind the show too much, but as Trixie's claims grew increasingly outlandish, they began to lose their patience.
"Putting aside Xueli's weird eccentricities, this girl really knows how to blow her own horn," Rainbow Dash said with a dismissive scoff.
Hearing this, Bingtang Xueli took immediate offense, insisting he only thought she looked nice, but was Bingtang Xueli really that superficial of a pony? He valued *inner* beauty far more!—followed by yet another stream of high-brow vocabulary, though this time no one bothered to dignity him with a response.
Twilight looked somewhat uneasy as she asked her friends if having special talents was really such a bad thing. The other ponies chimed in to say that folks who showed off and bragged the moment they had a little parlor trick were simply insufferable; possessing a lot of magic didn't automatically make you better than any other pony.
Bingtang Xueli, of course, offered a differing perspective, arguing that magic shows were *supposed* to be exaggerated for entertainment value. But the rest of the girls completely ignored him with looks of utter disdain.
Rainbow Dash, in particular, declared that she was undoubtedly far superior to this so-called Great and Powerful Trixie. What on earth gave Trixie the right to act so high and mighty?
Hearing that, Trixie flashed a sneering, mocking grin.
"Oh? Well, that's naturally because only the Great and Powerful Trixie could defeat an Ursa Major with her mighty magic!"
With that, Trixie used her firework magic to put on a deeply detailed, theatrical demonstration of how she had single-handedly vanquished the Ursa Major and saved Equestria from the brink of disaster.
When the story ended, aside from Snips and Snails, who were jumping up and down with wild excitement, the rest of the ponies fell silent.
I must say, Trixie's rating in Bingtang Xueli's heart was plummeting by the second. Putting aside that initial striking impression, and treating her earlier boasts as mere showmanship, claiming she could defeat an Ursa Major? That was getting well into the realm of pure nonsense.
Though Bingtang Xueli had never seen a real Ursa Major in person, he had read up on the dimensions of a fully-grown Ursa Major in books. That creature was definitely not something a single pony could handle—it was a threat an entire army couldn't deal with. Bragging about defeating one didn't make her look powerful; it merely exposed how utterly clueless she was.
Surveying the silent crowd of ponies before her, Trixie challenged anyone who dared to step forward, declaring that whatever they could do, she could do better.
The ponies took turns stepping up, only to be defeated by Trixie in increasingly clever ways: Applejack was trussed up like a holiday roast in her own lasso, while Rainbow Dash was spun into a human—er, pony—top by a rainbow of her own making.
Rarity suffered the most tragic fate. Having gracefully taken the stage to showcase her beauty, she ended up with her mane transformed into a patch of green, moss-like fuzz.
At that point, Bingtang Xueli couldn't sit by any longer. He had grown thoroughly sick of this arrogant, self-important little mare; bullying his friends was a line he absolutely could not let her cross. He vaulted up onto the stage.
"Look, you're pretty, I'll give you that. But I can't just stand here and watch you push my cousin and my friends around. Let me show you the power of music!"
With that, he shot a knowing look at the DJ booth. The DJ nodded back, pulled out a vinyl record, and cued the track.
A melodious, upbeat intro drifted out across the square. Riding the rhythm of the accompaniment, Bingtang Xueli slowly rose to his feet, supporting himself on his hind hooves. He closed his eyes, slowly sweeping his left and right forehooves upward in unison, while his supporting hind hooves gently stepped outward and his head turned slowly to the side.
Just as the rest of the ponies were staring at him in utter bewilderment, wondering what on earth he was about to do, the beat suddenly dropped into a powerful groove. Bingtang Xueli's movements snapped into hyper-speed, and the first line of lyrics burst forth:
*“A thousand cups of wine drained down! Not a single hint of drunkenness! To hell with the autumn wind and autumn rain!”*
Driven by the lyrics, Bingtang Xueli let out a fierce roar—*"Damn it! You want to flex? I'll make you fly!"*—and snapped his eyes wide open. His pose froze in that exact instant: his expression turned deadly serious, his two forehooves pointed separately toward the sky and the ground, and his entire body leaned backward, balanced solely on his hind legs.
In that moment, every pony in the plaza was thrown entirely off balance.
*“What’s happening? I clearly don't have wings, but why do I feel like I'm flying?”*
*“Even an Earth Pony like me is feeling weightless? What is going on here?!”*
*“What kind of magical power is this?!”*
Faced with Bingtang Xueli's supernatural display, Trixie chose to fight flight with flight.
She wrapped Bingtang Xueli entirely in a field of magic and hurled him straight through the air.
And so, Bingtang Xueli remained frozen in his exact pose as he crashed right into that familiar lamppost in the middle of the square, dangling upside down.
"This," Bingtang Xueli muttered weakly, "is why I still bloody hate magic."
After being fished down by the other ponies, Bingtang Xueli originally figured it was finally time for their trump card, Twilight Sparkle, to step into the ring. But when he looked around, there wasn't a trace of Twilight to be found. He could only let out a heavy sigh.
As pretty as Trixie might be, her personality was simply more than he could stomach. Since it looked like he wouldn't be singing today after all, oh well—time to head home and play cards with Big Macintosh.
Deep in the night, Bingtang Xueli was jolted awake by Applejack hammering a hoof against his door.
"Wake up! Something huge just happened in town!"
Applejack's panic-stricken expression left Bingtang Xueli completely baffled.
*If there's an emergency in town, go find the guards! What am I supposed to do about it?*
Reluctantly, regardless of his protests, he was dragged all the way back to Ponyville by Applejack.
By the time they arrived, however, the crisis seemed to have already passed. The other ponies were gathered around Twilight, cheering.
"This is all your fault! You made us late!"
Bingtang Xueli had half a mind to point out that everything looked fine, but taking one look at the shattered buildings surrounding them, he wisely kept his mouth shut.
After a few questions, he finally learned the truth: Snips and Snails, eager to see Trixie make good on her claim of defeating an Ursa Major, had gone out and lured a real Ursa Major back to town, throwing the entire settlement into chaos. Fortunately, Twilight knew how to handle the situation and successfully sent the beast away.
Hearing that, Bingtang Xueli's jaw hit the floor with a distinct *clack*.
"You handled an Ursa Major?!"
Luckily, Twilight clarified that it had only been an Ursa Minor baby, otherwise Bingtang Xueli would never have dared to mess with Twilight again in this lifetime. He figured he didn't quite have the durability of an Ursa Major.
Meanwhile, a thoroughly flustered Trixie dropped a flurry of parting threats, tossed down a smoke bomb, and fled the scene in disgrace.
Watching Trixie running off into the distance, then glancing back at his friends clustered together in discussion, Bingtang Xueli shook his head.
"Whatever. What's that got to do with me?"
With that, he turned and strolled back toward his friends.