Forgotten IF: Two Forgotten Stars - 16
Tia barely panicked, and as she was about to retort, Anastasia pressed on: "How much do you know about me? You understand nothing. You're strong, you have power, you fear nothing and no one. You've never experienced searching for food in a garbage dump, or having to fight for survival just for a bowl of rice crawling with maggots. You've never trusted someone, only to have them run away in the middle of the night taking everything with them. And you've never had to make yourself fall in love with someone just to survive."
The memories of her time as a hyena gnawed at her soul. Recollections of a certain woman she once tried to call mother crushed her innermost self. She remembered how that woman utterly disfigured beautiful slaves and always subjected her to the same hateful old lesson:
"Ah, little one. Remember: do not be greedy. Look at these ugly wretches! Just because they are pretty, they think they can covet what is mine. Those who are greedy will ultimately lose everything."
The volcano erupted, impossible to hold back. "You've never experienced what I have! You lost something important, something you can easily get back. I lost everything! Everyone I loved is gone. All my hard work was stripped away. My legacy is dead. You have plenty of time to rebuild. If I'm lucky, I only have a few years left! Do you think I want someone to cherish me just to take it all away from them? Someone who has lost so much! Do you think I'm that cruel of a woman?!"
Why do you have to be so good to me, Subaru? Why can't I just keep my distance from you? Then I wouldn't feel so guilty. Guilty that I might drag you off to my faction, just like your faction did to you. Guilty that I'm starting to cherish you the same way I cherish them. Guilty that if I actually let you make me fall in love with you, will you be able to go on living after I die?
Why am I so alone? Why do I open my heart up to you so easily? Is it because your kindness touched my heart? I wish my heart had stayed locked away so I wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. I don't want to care anymore. Fool, fool. I don't want to love you. I can't. I just can't.
"If this is what you want me to accept? Fine! I'm cruel. I'm a horrible human being who manipulates others for personal gain. I know how messed up Subaru is, but I'd still use him for profit. I won't reconnect with my family because then things wouldn't be exactly the way they used to be. I accept all of this. All my sins. So, fuck off!"
Anastasia breathed heavily, her throat raspy, her eyes damp. Suddenly, her rational side returned.
Tia, who had been listening to all of this with a blank expression, raised a hand.
Well, I'm dead.
She braced herself for the impact, only to hear Tia slam her hand down hard on the table.
Tia broke into an even brighter smile and laughed again. "Finally, there is the real you."
"Wh—what?"
"Your true face. You only ever show it in front of men, and even then, you usually hide yourself. I never understood why humans always wear masks. You have so many faces, the most of anyone I've ever seen, which made me curious, but this one is the real deal, isn't it? Rude, blunt, greedy, hypocritical—"
"Wow, thanks."
Tia ignored her. "Lonely, weak, malicious, and cruel. Truly, so pathetic and amusing, but at least it's not as nauseating as before."
Anastasia sniffed, glared at her, and said, "What is wrong with you? Why are you so obsessed with a 'real face'?"
Tia held up a single finger. "Oh, almost forgot: curious as hell."
Anastasia raised a finger back—a very specific finger.
Tia ignored her once more. "Everyone has a face. We're born with them. We use our faces to help communicate with people. To show them how we feel so we can form connections. Babies always cry to let their mothers know they need love. But as people grow older, people cry to take love away. Crying over difficulties only brings difficulties to others. You might argue this is the best way for the weak to survive. I would counter that this is precisely what makes you weak. Refusing to face your difficulties head-on makes you weak."
Anastasia rubbed her eyes, half-comprehending. "Does this have anything to do with your orb of light?"
Tia gave her a thumbs-up. "Wow, I can officially add the label 'slightly less stupid' to you now."
"Screw you."
"Haha! But yes, you're right. I heard your conversation. This one, Tia 2. She's not like me. She doesn't look like me, but then she stole my orb, which made her like me. Get it?"
"The way you talk is genuinely infuriating."
"I'll do whatever I want, and I like the way I talk. Anyway, I think I understand why that bitch stole my orb. She's probably just some weak girl seeking glory, or some form of vengeance against those Witch Cult members. She's crying, and she's making it everyone else's problem. Using my face to do it because she's too weak to face her own predicament with her real face."
Anastasia massaged her temples, feeling the urge to scream rising again. "So this was all just a grand scheme to provoke me? To bring out my 'true face'? And then explain that fake-you business on top of it?"
"Yup. And because it was entertaining. The fake part was just a bonus."
Anastasia said, "I hate you. Very, very much."
"And you're fun. Ah, don't be so dramatic. If you really need advice, I can help you with your man trouble."
"If this is about 'negotiating with love is pointless,' I'm going to punch you. I don't care if you can kill me."
"You can try, but I doubt you could actually hit me with those tiny hands of yours. Ha! But don't worry, it's not like that. It's simple: love him or don't love him."
Anastasia choked out, "It is not that simple!"
"It really is that simple. What if you died tomorrow? What if you died right now? All your fears seem pretty stupid then, don't they? The regrets you leave behind will only exist because you never acted on what you actually wanted. You hid it behind some stupid excuse like 'what if things go wrong.' Don't let your greed control you. Let it run free, and accept all the consequences."
"So, just do whatever and see how it turns out?"
"My phrasing was better, but if you want to put it in a lamer way, sure, go ahead," Tia propped her feet back up on the table.
I think I've found a contender for my next "person who pisses me off the most." Congratulations, Subaru, you've got competition for first place.
Knock! Knock!
Suddenly, they heard a knock at the door, which then swung violently open. Two figures sneaked into the room, striking deeply foolish poses.
"We're back! And we brought lunch!"
"Yeah, yeah! Sorry we're late, bro Subaru got us lost."
Subaru looked back at Heinkel in disbelief. "You actually tried to hit on a married woman. You almost got yourself gelded," Subaru emphasized by pinching his fingers together.
Heinkel protested indignantly, "That was bro Subaru's fault too! You were supposed to be my... what did you call it? Birdman? You were supposed to be my birdman and give me a signal that she was married!"
Subaru waved his arms through the air. "I did! I literally gave you the signal where I drew a circle with one hand and put it on the finger of the other hand!"
Heinkel just stared at him... "Look, how could I possibly have interpreted that any other way from my angle?"
Subaru lowered his head, then raised it, lowered it again, and raised it once more. He narrowed his eyes, then instantly widened them. "Ohhh. I think your mind is just in the gutter."
"And you need better hand gestures!"
"Hey, what is this?" Tia asked, rummaging through the takeout packaging.
"Huh?" Heinkel looked down at her hands, where the food was supposed to be.
Subaru shouted, "How did she steal that right out from under you?! Aren't you the strongest person in Kararagi?"
"You're definitely not going to let me live that down, are you?"
Ignoring Heinkel, Subaru bolted toward the food and swiftly snatched it out of Tia's hands. "Hey, hey! We came here to share, don't just grab stuff, that's bad manners."
Tia simply stomped her foot and pouted.
Meanwhile, Subaru glanced over at Anastasia, who was lost in a daze.
Subaru peered into the bag and suddenly exclaimed, "Crap! We forgot the booze!"
Heinkel, who had maintained his usual languid expression, suddenly widened his eyes and slumped to the floor. "Bro Subaru! How could you do this to me?! My alcohol!"
"Sorry, Hal-san! I'll go buy some at a nearby shop," Subaru gently took Anastasia's hand, "with Anna."
Wait—"What?"
"Hal-san, go entertain Tia and don't let her eat all the food." With that, he tossed the food to Tia, who immediately started rummaging through it again.
Heinkel froze abruptly. "Wait, bro Subaru, isn't this—"
"Sorry, Hal! I gotta go get the booze, bye!!" Subaru hurriedly dragged Anastasia out the door.
Once out on the street, Subaru slowed his pace and loosened his grip on Anastasia's hand. Despite her best efforts, she still felt a desperate urge to take that hand back.
Everything is so messed up again. I thought I had decided things would be different, that I wouldn't get attached anymore. And now, I want everything, to have it all at once. Ha! Maybe I am just too greedy...
"Anna? Are you okay?"
Anastasia snapped out of her reverie. "Mm, better than ever."
Subaru said with absolute composure, "You don't have to lie. What happened is pretty obvious."
Anastasia froze, standing motionless on the side of the street. They were walking through a rather empty block. At this hour, everyone was either working or down near the city center.
"Is it that obvious?" Anastasia looked somewhat embarrassed.
"Well, I'd say I were a pretty terrible guy if I ignored a pretty girl with red eyes, flushed cheeks, and tear tracks."
Her cheeks flushed even brighter. "Oh, right. I suppose so."
This time, Subaru looked somewhat sheepish himself. "Also, we may have... maybe... heard you shouting."
At that, Anastasia began to curl in on herself, slouching. "...You heard all of that?"
"Well, I think we caught it from the middle onward. Probably around the part where you started talking about losing things."
Oh, so he basically heard the whole thing. Fantastic.
"..."
Subaru sat down beside Anastasia. "Anna, did I ever tell you about the huge fight Emilia and I had?"
"...No."
"Yeah, I don't like talking about it. It's one of my biggest mistakes. I was way too obsessed with her. Not only did I alienate her as a result, but I made a complete fool of myself in front of the entire Royal Selection. I even fought Julius, and he beat the crap out of me."
I think I remember that. A bit of it, anyway. Julius had a dispute with some random knight, and the knight ended up resigning. That was at the very first selection meeting. That was Subaru?
Subaru continued his story: "And the reason for my obsession? I was terrified... of being alone. Terrified of being abandoned, of being replaced by someone better. It's so stupid. And yet, what happened? When Gluttony caught me, those fears were proven right all over again. They discarded me and only cared about my achievements. Without those, I was nothing. To make matters worse, I was treated like a monster."
Memories of their conversation earlier that morning flashed through her mind. For a split second, regret surged up, but it was quickly washed away by another recollection.
"The regrets you leave behind will only exist because you never acted on what you actually wanted."
Her hand slowly moved toward Subaru's, resting quietly on top of his.
Subaru noticed, but didn't dwell on it. "I thought that was it. My worst nightmare came true. But then I met you. I met someone who probably thought I was a weak, stupid kid picking fights with their knights for dumb reasons. I figured you were just that annoying girl who put profit above everything else. And you hired Julius. You guys must have been awful. Honestly, I didn't trust you for a single second at first."
You should have kept doing that. I should have too. Why did we start trusting each other so fast? It's so stupid.
Subaru smiled. "But you know what happened? That annoying girl took a chance and opened her heart to me. Especially to me. For some reason, it felt like I was looking into a mirror. Because you looked so lonely."
...We are both such lonely people. Forgotten. Perhaps it was because I saw myself in him too.
Subaru gently rubbed her hand, bringing a wave of warmth to her skin. "As we traveled, something else changed: I started to admire your greed. You hold yourself in high regard. You always demand compensation. And you always demand a high price. Before, I would have thought you were flying too close to the sun. Now, I realize it's a form of self-love. Loving yourself and demanding that others recognize your worth. I never did that because I always thought my life was completely worthless."
I noticed. You acted like all your actions, all your incredible achievements, were barely adequate.
He began to stand up, pulling her to her feet to face him—and she hadn't noticed until now, but she was crying. "But now? I want to try and be like that. I want to pursue worth, and I want to figure out how to love myself. I want to be someone like you. And I'm starting right now: Anastasia, I demand a reward as payment for my efforts in helping you reach Kararagi!"
Despite her tear-streaked face, she burst out laughing. "Pfft! All right, what are you trying to bargain with, Subaru?"
Subaru raised his free hand and pointed at her. "It won't be a job. Not even a name or a smile. But something fitting for everything I've done: help me achieve my goal, and become part of my happy ending."
Anastasia must have looked confused, because Subaru immediately began to explain: "I know it sounds vague. But I've always dreamed of having something like this. At the end of my story, I'm happy, healthy, and with the person I love. That's going to take a lot of work, because I now consider health to be loving oneself. It's going to take a ton of time and effort, so it'll be difficult."
Anastasia fell into thought, her inner self still questioning whether this was healthy. "Subaru, I don't know if this is a good idea..." Then she looked up and saw the smug grin plastered across Subaru's face.
"So, want to change the terms? Keep being greedy, keep being selfish, and just be yourself. I need a role model to learn from, don't I? So, I need you to keep being a 'guilty person.' Look at me and think about what you can gain from me. And I'll look at you and think about how much I can gain from you. We'll learn from each other, build each other up, selfishly. Cooperating selfishly. No attachments built on guilt or mutual indebtedness. Doing whatever we want, unfettered. Maybe we'll end up hurting each other, maybe we'll make a complete mess of things. But at least we can walk away with our heads held high and say, 'I lived my life.'"
Anastasia didn't answer right away, pondering once more. "...What if I abandon you for my own faction?"
She hadn't expected his reaction; Subaru just let out a snort. "Then I'll give you a reason to keep me around. I expect you to do the same for me. I know who you are. Even if I end up back in my camp, you'll probably try to tempt me into joining you with an avalanche of invitations."
She tried to tease him: "You really know me well, don't you? How intimate~"
Subaru retorted, "You're the one who invited me to bed first."
She blushed and pinched his cheek. "B—because I needed a pillow!"
Subaru said, "Whatever you say~!"
The two of them locked eyes, then giggled.
"Ha, our relationship is a total mess," Anastasia stated bluntly.
Subaru just shrugged. "Not even in my top ten. You should see Ram and Roswaal. He basically adopted her and made her his superweapon. Hell, I fell in love with someone who almost killed me and tortured me."
Anastasia looked appalled. "Subaru, you can't just drop things like that out of nowhere. Especially considering how exhausting today has been. And we haven't even had lunch yet."
"Well. Part of my 'love myself' plan is admitting how actually terrible my life is."
She covered her face with her hands. "Fine... Let's talk about that later."
Subaru grinned. "So, what about my offer?"
She dropped her hands, closed her eyes, and smiled. "...You drive a hard bargain. I accept."
Subaru pumped his fist in the air. "We'll take it one step at a time. Sure, everything's way too chaotic. Maybe we got a little too close a little too fast. Maybe our relationship looks weird to everyone else, impossible to define in normal terms."
"Maybe Subaru should finish the 'but' part before I start rethinking my acceptance."
"But! I want to be greedy. I want us to stay close no matter what. I want what I have now, and I want what I had before. Even if we fail, I want to chase that kind of happy ending."
Anastasia sighed. "Fine."