The first time I saw Shen Yan was in the depths of winter.
Amidst the swirling snow, he stood in a plain green robe with his hands clasped behind his back, looking like a cool, elegant ink wash painting. The wind and snow ruffled his dark hair, adding an ethereal grace to his demeanor. His brow bone was like a ridge of mountains, and his eyes were like deep pools, radiating a cold aloofness I could not fathom.
"Your subject, Shen Yan, pays his respects to Her Royal Highness the Princess," he said. His voice was as deep as a zither, gently drifting through the biting wind and snow. I noticed a pale grayish-blue tint at his fingertips, the mark of a lifetime of holding a brush.
His Majesty had told me that Shen Yan was the youngest Junior Preceptor in Da Sheng, a man of vast learning and immense talent, and that having him as my tutor was the best thing that could happen. I looked at the jade pendant hanging from his waist—it was the exact style my late mother had loved—and an unusual sensation suddenly welled up inside me.
From that day on, at the third quarter of the *mao* hour every morning, I would arrive at Wenyuan Pavilion on the dot. Shen Yan always reached there before me; freshly ground ink and a warm cup of tea were already waiting on the desk. When he taught me to read the *Classic of Poetry*, reciting, "Guan-guan go the ospreys, on the islets in the river," his voice was so gentle it seemed as if it could melt into water. I stole a glance at him, only to find that he was looking at me as well. The moment our gazes met, my heart fluttered like a startled fawn, and I hurriedly lowered my head.
Spring lingered, and the pear blossoms outside Wenyuan Pavilion bloomed, drifting down like snow. Taking advantage of a moment when Shen Yan was not paying attention, I stealthily plucked a blossom and tucked it into my hair.
"Such naughtiness from the Princess. If His Majesty were to find out, you would be sentenced to copy the *Precepts for Women* once again," his voice came from behind me, carrying a hint of helpless indulgence. I turned around and caught a flash of bedazzlement in his eyes, though it was quickly masked by that thin layer of frosty mist.
I suddenly recalled the whispers of the palace maids I had overheard in the Imperial Garden the day before. They said Shen Yan was His Majesty's strategist, and that my mother's death years ago... I shook my head, chasing those dreadful thoughts from my mind. To me, Shen Yan was merely a teacher; there was no need for me to let my imagination run wild.
Yet some things, once planted in the depths of the heart, become impossible to suppress. On that thunderous, rain-drenched night, awakened by a nightmare, I found myself wandering in a panic all the way to the doors of Shen Yan's bedchamber. The moment he opened the door, I lost all control and threw myself into his arms.
"Princess..." His body stiffened like stone, his voice fraught with struggle and restraint. I raised my head, gazing at his tightly pressed lips, and on an irresistible impulse, I stood on tiptoe and gently kissed that pale mouth.
In an instant, thunder roared across the heavens as if trying to shatter everything in this mortal world. Shen Yan abruptly pushed me away, his eyes filled with a terror and anguish I had never seen before.
"Princess, please show some self-respect," he said, his voice as hoarse as if it had been grated by sandpaper. Every single word felt like a blade slicing agonizingly at my heart. Watching his retreating figure as he turned and walked away, I suddenly felt like a joke—a shameless joke.
For the next few days, Shen Yan consistently avoided me. When I tried to find him at Wenyuan Pavilion, I was told he had fallen ill. I knew he was hiding from me, hiding from that forbidden kiss between us. But I was determined to be willful just this once, determined to let him know that my feelings for him had never been a child's game.
I sneaked out of the imperial palace and arrived at Shen Yan's residence. It was a quaint and elegant little courtyard where plum blossoms were in full bloom, their subtle fragrance drifting on the air. I pushed open the door to his room and found him sitting by the window, holding a volume of a book without turning a single page.
"Brother Yan..." I softly called out to him, the first time I had ever addressed him thus. He started violently, and the book in his hand dropped to the floor with a sharp clatter.
"Why has the Princess come here?" A trace of panic laced his voice, though he quickly regained his composure. I stepped forward and picked up the fallen book, only to discover it was the *Essentials of Governance of the Zhenguan Era*.
"Brother Yan, I like you." I looked straight into his eyes and said each word distinctly. His pupils abruptly contracted as if his heart had been pierced by something sharp.
"Princess, say no more." He averted his face, not daring to meet my gaze. Refusing to yield, I reached out and caught his sleeve. "Why? Can it be that you harbor not even the slightest shred of feeling for me?" A sob caught in my voice, making even myself feel pathetic.
Shen Yan remained silent for a long time, so long that I thought he would never reply. Just as I was slipping into despair, he finally spoke, his voice laden with endless bitterness and helplessness. "Princess, do you know? Your mother... was killed by my own hands."
Those words struck like a bolt from the blue, leaving me dizzy and disoriented. I abruptly released my grip, as if scalded by fire.
"What did you say?" I heard my own voice trembling, on the verge of shattering into dust.
Shen Yan closed his eyes, as though enduring immense agony. "Back then, your imperial consort mother discovered evidence of His Majesty colluding with a hostile state. She intended to report it, and it was I... I who poisoned her tea." His voice grew softer and softer until it was barely audible.
I felt my world crumbling piece by piece. Those once-cherished memories had now transformed into sharp daggers, carving cruelly at my heart with every stroke. I remembered the agonizing expression on my mother's face before she died, His Majesty's cold indifference, and Shen Yan's gentle smile. So all of it had been a sham—a meticulously planned deception.
"Why?" I wanted to ask him why he had done it, why he had deceived me, but when the words reached my lips, only those three simple words remained.
Shen Yan opened his eyes, and within them lay a depth of despair I had never witnessed before. "Because His Majesty said that if I refused, he would execute my entire clan." He paused briefly before continuing, "Princess, this subject knows his crimes are unforgivable. I only hope that the Princess can forget me and live out a good life."
I stared at him, suddenly feeling that the man before me was a complete stranger—so unfamiliar that it was as though I had never truly known him at all. I wanted to hate him, to hate his cruelty and his deceit, but I found that I simply could not summon any hatred. For deep in my heart, the Shen Yan who had taught me to read and write, who had accompanied me to watch the snow and admire the flowers, the Shen Yan who had offered me a warm embrace when I was frightened—he had truly existed.
I turned and walked away with unsteady steps, like a drunken person. Behind me came the sound of Shen Yan's suppressed weeping, but I did not dare look back, terrified that a single glance would make me forgive every single fault of his.
Back in the imperial palace, I fell gravely ill. His Majesty visited me a few times, but each visit was hurried, and he left after uttering barely a few words. I knew that in his eyes, power would always outweigh familial affection, and I was nothing more than a pawn he used to consolidate his imperial authority.
When I recovered, I resumed my former life, except that I never set foot in Wenyuan Pavilion again. Occasionally, when our paths crossed within the palace walls, we merely passed each other by like total strangers. Yet I knew the bond between us was far from over.
That autumn, the enemy state launched a massive invasion, leaving Da Sheng in imminent peril. His Majesty paced back and forth in frantic anxiety, utterly helpless. At that very moment, Shen Yan stepped forward and volunteered to go to the enemy state for negotiations, declaring that he had a way to make their troops retreat. Overjoyed, His Majesty immediately granted his request.
Standing atop the city wall, I watched as Shen Yan, mounted on a horse and accompanied by a few attendants, slowly rode off in the direction of the enemy state. His posture remained as upright as a pine, yet to me, it seemed as though he were marching toward certain death.
"Does Your Highness wish to bid farewell to the Junior Preceptor?" the palace maid beside me asked softly. I shook my head as tears involuntarily streamed down my face. I knew this parting might well be our eternal farewell.
Shen Yan's mission lasted three full months. Throughout those three months, I lived in constant dread, knowing neither whether he lived or died nor what fate awaited Da Sheng. Finally, on a heavily snow-laden day, he returned.
He had grown thin and weathered, a long scar marring his face, stretching from his brow bone all the way to his chin. Yet within his eyes flickered a brilliance I had never seen before. "Princess, your subject has returned." He looked at me, the corners of his mouth curving upward slightly like a triumphant general.
I wanted to rush forward and hold him, to ask how much suffering he had endured over the past three months, but I could not. For I saw that trailing behind him was the princess of the enemy state—that legendary beauty renowned for her wisdom—gazing at him with tender eyes.
His Majesty held a grand wedding ceremony for Shen Yan and the enemy princess. Standing amidst the crowd, watching them bow to heaven and earth and enter the bridal chamber, I felt as though a bowl of bitter coptis had been poured into my heart, leaving me too choked with agony to speak. So the condition for his successful negotiation had been to take the enemy princess as his wife. So in his heart, affairs of state would always surpass romantic devotion.
On the night of the wedding, I went to the Imperial Garden alone, sitting upon the stone stool my mother had loved most, and gazed up at the bright moon while tears flowed without ceasing.
"Royal Mother," I whispered softly, "is your daughter truly so useless? Even knowing he is my enemy, I still cannot let him go."
Suddenly, the sound of footsteps echoed from behind me. Turning my head, I saw Shen Yan standing there still clad in his wedding attire, traces of wine lingering on his breath.
"Princess..." he called out, his voice choked with emotion. I stood up, intending to leave, but he caught me firmly by the wrist.
"Princess, stop hiding from me, please?" Pleading filled his eyes. "Every single day of these past three months, I have thought of you until I was nearly driven mad."
I stared at him, a mixture of anger and resentment surging in my chest. "Then why did you marry her?" I demanded.
Shen Yan sighed. "Princess, did you truly think the enemy state would retreat so easily? The conditions they demanded left me with no alternative." He paused before adding, "Besides, His Majesty had long suspected our relationship; he declared that if I refused to marry the enemy princess, he would have you killed."
I froze. So everything he had done had been for my sake. Yet why—why did it have to come to this?
"Brother Yan, were we wrong from the very start?" I murmured softly. "Within these red walls, there is simply no room for our affection."
Shen Yan said nothing more; instead, he pulled me into a tight embrace, as if trying to melt me into his very flesh. We held each other thus in the freezing night, feeling each other's warmth. Yet we both knew this embrace had to end.
Later, the enemy princess became pregnant, and Shen Yan rose to become His Majesty's most trusted minister. As for me, having reached the age for marriage, His Majesty selected a prince from a neighboring state—a man rumored to be refined, cultured, and exceptionally handsome. Yet I knew my heart was already dead.
On the eve of my departure, I sneaked out of the imperial palace and made my way to Shen Yan's estate. Standing beneath the plum tree, I waited a very long time before he finally arrived. Upon seeing me, a flash of joyful surprise crossed his eyes, only to be instantly replaced by pain.
"Princess, tomorrow is your wedding day. Why have you run out here?" A tremor ran through his voice.
I looked at him and smiled faintly. "Brother Yan, I simply wanted to come and see you, to see how you are faring."
Shen Yan averted his face, not daring to meet my eyes. "I am doing well. The Princess need not worry." I knew he was lying to me, just as I was lying to myself. We both understood that in this lifetime, we could never be together.
"Brother Yan, do you remember the day we first met?" I asked softly. "The snow that day was just as heavy as it is today."
Shen Yan nodded. "I remember. The Princess was dressed in red, like a flame lighting up the entire winter."
I smiled, though tears streamed down my face. "Brother Yan, in truth, I have long known that you were the one who killed my mother."
Shen Yan abruptly jerked his head up, shock flooding his features. "Princess..."
I waved a hand dismissively. "Do not ask how I found out. I only ask that you grant me one request."
"What request?" Shen Yan said urgently. "So long as it is within my power, I will grant it."
I looked at him earnestly. "I hope you will forget me, live a good life, and cherish your days with your wife and child."
Shen Yan was stunned; he had not expected such a request. After a moment, he gave a bitter smile. "Princess, do you know? Ever since I met you, I have never been able to forget you." He stepped forward and gently stroked my cheek. "No matter what the future holds, you will always be the one I love most in my heart."
I closed my eyes, savoring his final tenderness. Yet I knew this had to end. I pushed him away, turned to leave, and dropped parting words: "Brother Yan, in our next life, let us never cross paths again."
The next day, I donned my lavish bridal robes and boarded the bridal sedan chair. The grand wedding procession wound its way through the bustling streets of the Capital. Peering through the curtain of the sedan chair, I gazed out at a city both familiar and foreign, my heart heavy with emotion.
Suddenly, a commotion erupted outside. Lifting the curtain, I saw a band of men in black charging into the crowd, slaughtering everyone in their path. I realized instantly that this was an ambush by the enemy state. I tried to summon my guards, only to find that they had already been slain to the last man.
Just when I thought death was certain, a familiar figure rushed forward and threw himself in front of me. It was Shen Yan, clad in armor and wielding a long sword, absolute determination in his eyes.
"Princess, do not be afraid. I am here," he shouted.
I stared at him, deeply moved and wracked with guilt. So he had been secretly protecting me all along. Yet I wondered if he could protect me this time.
As the number of assassins multiplied, Shen Yan began to tire. I saw that his armor was soaked in blood, yet he refused to retreat even half a step.
"Brother Yan, go! Leave me be!" I cried out.
Shen Yan looked back over his shoulder and gave a faint smile. "Princess, I told you I would protect you. Even in death, I will die before you do."
At that exact moment, an arrow tore through the air, heading straight for me. Seeing this, Shen Yan lunged forward, using his own body to shield me from the projectile.
"Brother Yan!" I cried out in alarm, catching his steadily chilling form.
He raised a hand and gently wiped the tears from my face. "Princess, do not weep... you must live on..." Before he could finish, his hand dropped limply to his side.
Clasping Shen Yan's lifeless body, I wept in absolute agony. I finally understood that our love had been a tragedy from the very beginning. Within these red walls, caught in the vortex of power, we had never possessed the right to choose.
Snow began to fall once more. The swirling flakes drifted down onto Shen Yan's face like a white shroud. I gently kissed his brow and whispered softly, "Brother Yan, in our next life, we must meet among ordinary folk. That way, we can love each other freely."
With those words, I picked up the sword still clutched in Shen Yan's hand and drove it without hesitation into my own heart. In that instant, I felt no pain, only release. I could finally be with my Brother Yan, and no one would ever tear us apart again.
The snow fell heavier and heavier, soon burying our forms entirely. In the icy snow, we slept side by side like a true husband and wife. Perhaps this was our best possible ending.
Inside and outside the red walls, the world was blanketed in pristine white. Our love was like this snowfall—beautiful and fleeting, yet carved indelibly into eternity.