"Hey, when I haven't been feeling well, have you ever been this anxious and worried about me?" Qiu Yao felt like a jar of vinegar had been tipped over. She felt as though the Empress’s favor was about to be snatched away, and she was restless and thick with jealousy.
"Oh, stop it! You’re never unwell anyway. Tell me, what happened? Don’t keep me in suspense."
"I refuse!" Qiu Yao turned away, her pouty lips practically heavy enough to hang a bucket from.
"Fine then. Come here, help me massage my shoulders."
"Heh!" Qiu Yao let out a mocking laugh and didn't budge.
The Empress pursed her lips and rolled her eyes at her, thinking to herself, *I can handle you yet.*
She knew Qiu Yao wouldn't do it. It wasn't that she didn't know how; it was just that her massages were never comfortable, and she always ended up being scolded, leaving Qiu Yao with no choice but to surrender in frustration.
"When I arrived, the three men from the Shangfang Bureau were already lying on the ground."
The Empress widened her beautiful phoenix eyes, her expression one of utter disbelief.
"You mean to tell me he wasn't hurt, and instead, he knocked all three men from the Shangfang Bureau to the ground?"
"That’s right, my Empress. You can rest easy now!"
"He isn't hurt at all?"
"How would I know? Wait until he comes tonight, and you can examine him yourself."
"You wicked girl, don't you have eyes?"
"I did look! He was still full of vigor, still just as handsome, and still so different from the other eunuchs... but I only saw the surface. As for whether he’s injured on the inside, how would I know? You’ll have to see for yourself."
"You..." Looking at the chattering Qiu Yao, the Empress gave her a glare with a playful smirk on her lips. "I’m just worried he might have sustained an injury; otherwise, all the heavy lifting and rough work would fall to you."
"Forget it! I don't believe you." Qiu Yao rolled her eyes back at the Empress.
"Believe what you like. How about this? You take over all the heavy and rough work in the palace, and we won't hire any more eunuchs."
Qiu Yao waved her hands repeatedly in protest.
"That won't do!"
"Good to know you realize your limits. You really thought you were a tough guy who could do anything?" The Empress lifted her chin triumphantly, adjusted her firm, towering bosom, and marched toward the inner chambers with her head held high.
***
Back at his quarters, Ding Wei told Eunuch Li everything that had just occurred.
Eunuch Li listened quietly, continuously stroking his hairless chin.
Ding Wei added fuel to the fire. "Master, I didn’t do anything wrong. Why should I be punished and tortured? This is a slap in your face! If it weren't for Qiu Yao appearing on behalf of the Empress, I... I might have been beheaded and unable to serve you anymore."
Eunuch Li let out a deep sigh. "Little Ding, you should be thankful. As long as you’re alive, that’s all that matters!"
"Master, they were bold enough to beat and punish me in broad daylight. Who knows when they might just kill me?" Ding Wei complained, nursing his grievances.
"The Empress isn't feeling well and has summoned you to massage her tonight, hasn't she? This is an opportunity. What are you afraid of?" Eunuch Li counseled.
"The Empress only called me for a massage. Massaging is incredibly risky. If I don't do it well, before I can even get a hold of her plump, beautiful legs, my head might be chopped off."
"Little Ding, there are so many eunuchs in this palace. You are the first one the Empress has ever remembered and summoned for a second massage. If you don't pull out all the stops and show your worth, wouldn't you be throwing away a heaven-sent opportunity?"
*Damn,* thought Ding Wei, *this old eunuch couldn't possibly know my true identity, could he? With all these hints...* He considered it for a moment, but that was impossible. He had been extremely cautious; he had even navigated dangerous situations in the baths unscathed. The man didn't have X-ray vision for a full-body CT scan. Could this old guy have some other trick up his sleeve?
"Master, I am dense. Please, enlighten me."
Eunuch Li’s mischievous face brightened. "Do you know what 'duishi' is?"
*Duishi*—who didn't know? It was when eunuchs and palace maids engaged in the things lovers do, only to end with a sigh because they couldn't actually consummate it!
Once he grasped the old eunuch's meaning, he exhaled, but he continued to play the fool. "Master, please be more specific. When I get a reward, I’ll be sure to show my respect to you."
"Duishi is when a eunuch finds a palace maid to..."
"Oh, oh, oh! Is that it!" Ding Wei feigned a sudden realization. *Pfft,* he thought, *in my past life, there was no need for such trouble and suffering; every man was better off than the Emperor of this age.* But he deliberately kept a humble posture and asked for guidance. "Master, but I don't know the first thing about it!"
Eunuch Li rolled his eyes. "You blockhead. Some other day, I'll help you find a palace maid to practice with."
He laughed as he said it.
"Master, I’ll say this first: I don’t want any 'second-hand' goods."
Eunuch Li said with dissatisfaction, "You’re quite demanding!"
Demanding? That wasn't the half of it. Ding Wei added, "She has to be pretty and have a good figure. You can keep the short, fat, and ugly ones for yourself!"
Eunuch Li glared at him. "You brat, do you think any woman who makes it into the palace is short, fat, or ugly? They are all carefully selected—one in ten thousand!"
Ding Wei asked with feigned concern, "Master, but there’s no time to practice now, what should I do?"
Eunuch Li offered some well-meaning advice: "If there’s no time, you’ll have to figure it out yourself. The opportunity is right in front of you; it all depends on whether you can grasp it. If you can't, and you get yourself killed one day, don't blame me for not warning you. If you don't push yourself, how will you know what you're capable of?"
*Hell,* thought Ding Wei, *is there anything I'm not capable of? I'm just playing the fool, letting you teach me so you can feel superior.* His own technique? If he claimed second place, no one would dare claim first. Did the man really think he was content being a little eunuch? If he didn't conquer the world, he wouldn't be worthy of being a transmigrator.
"Master, I don't think I can figure it out!"
Eunuch Li shook his head and sighed deeply again. "Alas! I suppose I can't blame you, having never seen a pig run nor eaten pork. You’ll just have to leave it to fate. Escaping the blade last time doesn't mean you will again."
*Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!* You old eunuch, you harbinger of bad luck! Could she kill me? My body is pure, toned muscle; her fingers couldn't even press into it. If anyone is getting "chopped," it’ll be me chopping her.
Eunuch Li watched the silent Ding Wei, assuming he was anxious because he feared death. So, he said, "How about this: don't go tonight. Come with me to carry the concubine instead?"
*Carry the concubine with you?* Ding Wei thought. *After the old emperor is done, you scurry off early, while I'm stuck doing all the work. And the silver rewards? You take it all. What's the point of carrying the concubine? I’d be doing all your labor, with no future and no hope of ever getting ahead. If I can cling to the Empress as my patron, I might ascend in a single step, and the future—this entire world—will be mine.*