I, Huanxi, a modern-day playboy, was rolling dice with three beauties at a bar.
"Three sixes!" I blinked. "Whoever loses has to give me a kiss!"
Suddenly, the floor vanished from beneath my feet, and I felt as though I had been shoved into a spinning washing machine. When I opened my eyes again, I was lying in a bamboo grove, still clutching half a bottle of unfinished Jack Daniel's.
"What the hell?" I patted my stinging backside and realized I was wearing coarse Taoist robes, with a wooden sword tucked into my belt.
From a distance came a robust roar: "Zhao Zhijing! You're slacking off again!"
I froze for three seconds, then burst out laughing. "I've time-traveled!" I lowered my head to sniff my robes. "And I'm in the Quanzhen Sect!"
As a fan of Louis Cha's novels, I immediately realized this was the world of The Return of the Condor Heroes. Doing the math, this should be the exact time when Yang Guo was just brought up Mount Zhongnan by Guo Jing.
"Hehehe..." I rubbed my hands together and stood up, only to be struck in the back of the head by a pebble.
"Depraved scoundrel! Take my sword!"
I scurried away with my head in my hands, chased by a pockmarked Taoist priest. This had to be that bastard Zhao Zhijing! As I ran, I felt around in my pockets and actually pulled out my smartphone and half a box of chocolates.
Panic-stricken, I blundered into a mist-shrouded valley, where a stone tablet abruptly loomed before my eyes: "Tomb of the Living Dead, trespassers die."
"Well, isn't this a coincidence!" I whistled as I walked inside. "Dragon Girl~ Your destined husband has arrived!"
I had taken barely two steps when something ice-cold suddenly wrapped around my neck. In the moonlight, the Gold-Threaded Silver Bell Leash flashed with a cold light. Following the silk thread up, a girl in white stood atop a tree branch, so beautiful she didn't look mortal.
"Lewd villain." Her voice was colder than iced beer.
I swallowed hard. "Beauty, care to add me on WeChat?"
Xiao Longnü was clearly taken aback for a moment, and with a slight flick of her wrist, she hoisted me into midair. I hurriedly pulled out the chocolate. "Imported from Switzerland, want a taste?"
She frowned at the foil packaging, and I seized the chance to bite off the wrapper. "It's not poisonous, look." With that, I held the chocolate in my mouth and winked at her.
"Shameless." The Gold-Threaded Silver Bell Leash tightened another three inches.
My face turned red from holding my breath, and sudden inspiration struck. "I-I know where Yang Guo is!"
The rope abruptly loosened, and I crashed face-first into the dirt. When I raised my head, Xiao Longnü was already floating right before me. The moonlight edged her in silver, and her eyelashes were long enough for a swing.
"Speak."
I sat cross-legged, unscrewed the whiskey bottle, and took a swig. "First tell me, milady, how many springs have you seen? Are you spoken for?"
A cold flash came from her sleeve, and an icy sword blade pressed against my neck.
"Just kidding!" I raised both hands. "Yang Guo is being bullied by Zhao Zhijing right now. I can lead the way, but..." I shook the bottle. "You have to buy me a drink."
Xiao Longnü sheathed her sword and turned to leave. I hurried after her. "Don't go! Look at this!" I pulled out my phone and opened the selfie mode.
When she saw herself on the screen, she froze noticeably. I seized the chance to edge closer. "Come on, give us a smile~"
"Click." The flash went off, and Xiao Longnü sent me flying three meters away with a single palm strike. I lay among the flowers, grinning stupidly. "You're the most gorgeous screensaver I've ever seen."
She picked up the phone, and her finger accidentally swiped into the photo album. It was filled with group photos of me and various beauties, along with a few swimsuit selfies.
"Debased." She made a move to smash it.
"Don't!" I lunged forward to hug her calf. "There are secret manuals in here for healing internal injuries!"
She stopped, half-convinced. I hurriedly flipped to an acupuncture meridian chart. "Look, this is a 3D model of the Governor and Conception vessels."
Xiao Longnü stared at the screen, her brows slightly furrowed. I caught the cold, plum-blossom-like fragrance emanating from her, and my heart raced like I was at a rave.
"Dragon Girl, actually I time-traveled from the future." I couldn't stay serious for more than three seconds. "I'm here specifically to marry you."
She flicked her sleeve to leave, and I hurriedly hit play on the music. The flute version of *Swordsman* rang out from the phone, and her footsteps paused.
"Sounds good, right?" I leaned close to her ear. "Date me, and I'll play you little tunes every day."
Xiao Longnü suddenly struck, sealing my acupoints. I remained frozen in place, pouting for a kiss, and watched her drifting away into the distance.
"Hey! What about leading me to Yang Guo!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "And you haven't even tried the beauty filter on my phone yet!"
The night breeze shook loose a few peach petals, which drifted down onto my puckered lips. I blinked. The moon in this martial arts world seemed even more mesmerizing than the neon lights at the bar.