I was living a fairy-tale life up on Heimu Cliff. Who would have guessed that I, a playboy from modern society, would actually become the "bandit consort" of Dongfang Bubai?
"Leader, try this!" I barged into the grand hall carrying a homemade copper hot pot, followed by a line of young maids carrying dishes.
Dongfang Bubai was reviewing state documents and looked up at the sound, asking, "What bizarre gadget is this this time?"
"Hot pot! A delicacy from my hometown." I nimbly set out the bowls and chopsticks. "Spicy broth paired with fresh mutton. I guarantee you won't be able to stop eating."
Suspiciously, he picked up a slice of meat, swished it in the broth, and put it into his mouth. The next second, those pretty eyes widened. "It's so spicy! But... deeply satisfying."
"Right?" I triumphantly poured him a glass of iced plum juice. "Back where I'm from, hot pot is a must on dates. Watching each other's faces turn red from the spice amid the rising steam—it's terribly romantic."
Dongfang Bubai elegantly wiped the corner of his mouth. "The way people in your hometown court one another is certainly unique."
"There are even more unique ways." I leaned in and began massaging his shoulders. "You've been working too hard practicing martial arts lately, Your Eminence, your muscles are all stiff."
"Impudent..." Though he said that, his body honestly relaxed.
I seized the moment to hum "The Moon Represents My Heart" right into his ear. Dongfang Bubai abruptly turned around. "This tune..."
"Written especially for you," I lied without changing expression. "It's called 'Heimu Cliff Represents My Heart'."
A smile played at the corners of his mouth, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "You have a silver tongue. However..." Slender fingers traced my cheek. "This seat grants you permission to keep singing."
Just like that, little by little, I used modern methods to melt this iceberg. In the mornings I made him love-filled sunny-side-up eggs, at noon I took him for a picnic on the back mountain, and at night... well, ahem, not suitable for children.
But good times never last. One day, while I was teaching Dongfang Bubai to play Truth or Dare, Yang Lianoting rushed in, panic-stricken:
"Leader! At the West Lake bottom prison... Ren Woxing has escaped!"
The wine cup in Dongfang Bubai's hand shattered with a snap. My heart skipped a beat—the plot had begun.
"Understood, you may withdraw." His voice was as cold as ice. Once Yang Lianoting had retreated, Dongfang Bubai suddenly grabbed me by the throat. "Did you know about this all along?"
"Cough, cough... let go..." I patted his wrist. "How could I possibly..."
"That day at the Yihong Brothel, you said Ren Woxing wasn't worthy of me." He narrowed his eyes. "What else do you know?"
Damn it, I had let something slip. Summoning my wits in the nick of time, I said, "I... I saw it in a dream! In the dream, there's a kid named Linghu Chong who helps Ren Woxing deal with you."
Dongfang Bubai released his grip, looking pensive. "A dream?"
"That's right!" I rubbed my neck and played along. "I've had the ability to foresee things in dreams since I was a child. For instance..." I lowered my voice, "you actually have a long-lost younger sister?"
That really shocked him. Taking advantage of his distraction, I threw my arms around him. "Don't be afraid, I'm here. What's Ren Woxing anyway? We'll join forces and beat him until his teeth fall out!"
In a rare gesture, Dongfang Bubai didn't push me away. "Why... why are you so good to me?"
"Because..." I cradled his face in my hands, "you deserve to be truly cherished, not just feared."
A flash of vulnerability crossed his eyes, quickly replaced by his usual pride. "This seat doesn't need..."
"You do," I interrupted. "Just as I need you."
We locked eyes, and the air seemed to freeze. Suddenly, he grabbed me and soared up onto the rooftop.
"Look," Dongfang Bubai pointed at the distant sea of clouds. "This seat's realm."
I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Our realm."
He gave a light chuckle and leaned against my shoulder. In that moment, I half-imagined we were just an ordinary couple.
Alas, the nice atmosphere didn't last long. Back in the bedchamber, Dongfang Bubai suddenly asked, "What else did you see in that prophetic dream of yours?"
"Uh... that we'll live happily ever after?"
"Tell the truth!" An Embroidery Needle slipped from his sleeve.
I swallowed hard. "I also saw... that you'd be besieged by Linghu Chong, Ren Woxing, and Xiang Wentian..."
"Just as I thought," Dongfang Bubai sneered. "So you came here to be a spy?"
"I've been wronged!" I raised my hands in surrender. "I'm here to change this ending!"
"How do you propose to change it?"
I smiled mysteriously. "With science. Does Your Eminence know what 'dimensional reduction strike' means?"
The next day, Heimu Cliff hosted the most bizarre martial arts convention in history. Standing beside Dongfang Bubai, I spoke eloquently to the mass of disciples below:
"...Therefore, we must use a differentiated competition strategy! Ren Woxing's Star-Absorbing Technique is powerful, right? We're not going to compete with him in martial arts; we're going to compete in this—"
With a wave of my hand, the maids wheeled out several strange-looking machines.
"Hydraulic spinning frames!" I declared triumphantly. "From now on, our Sun Moon Holy Cult is pivoting to the textile business, and we'll work that old bastard to death!"
Dongfang Bubai pressed a hand to his forehead. "This is your brilliant plan?"
"Economic base determines the superstructure, you see," I explained in a low voice. "Once we monopolize the Jiangnan fabric market, no matter how good Ren Woxing is at fighting, he'll just have to drink the northwest wind."
The disciples looked at each other in dismay. Suddenly, someone started the applause—it was Sang Sanniang. Soon, thunderous applause filled the air.
Dongfang Bubai wore a complex expression. "You... truly are a freak."
"Your freak." I seized the chance to plant a kiss on his cheek, drawing squeals of shock from the crowd below.
That very evening, however, as I was researching how to improve gunpowder, the back of my neck suddenly turned cold.
"Speak. Just who are you?" Dongfang Bubai's Embroidery Needle pressed against my throat. "The Mount Hua Sect could never produce such bizarre knowledge as yours."
I sighed. "If I told you... I come from a world several hundred years in the future, would you believe me?"
"Absurd!"
"Then how about this?" I fished my phone out from inside my robes—thankfully I'd brought it with me when I time-traveled. I pressed the power button, and the screen lit up, displaying a selfie of Dongfang Bubai and me (which I'd snuck yesterday).
He recoiled in shock. "This... is this sorcery?"
"It's technology," I said, flipping through other photos in the album. "Look, this is our city in the future, this is an airplane, and this is..."
Dongfang Bubai snatched the phone out of my hand. After flipping through it for a moment, his gaze turned dangerous. "So all your kindness toward me was simply because you knew my... fate?"
"At first, yes," I answered honestly. "But now..." I grabbed his hand and pressed it against my chest. "Every single beat in here is for you."
The Embroidery Needle broke the skin, and I closed my eyes. But the expected pain never came—Dongfang Bubai threw the needle aside and kissed me fiercely.
"I'll give you one chance," he panted. "Prove your sincerity."
I smiled. "With pleasure."
In the days that followed, we balanced preparing to deal with Ren Woxing with... ahem, dating. I used my phone to play Jay Chou songs for Dongfang Bubai, and to my surprise, he actually liked "Nunchucks." I taught him how to take selfies, and this ruthless cult leader became obsessed with finding his best angles. The ultimate highlight was facial masks—when Yang Lianoting ran into the leader wearing a mud mask, he was so frightened he fainted straight away.
The day of the decisive battle finally arrived. Ren Woxing led Linghu Chong and the others in a charge up Heimu Cliff, only to discover...
"Welcome to the Sun Moon Holy Cult's inaugural 'The Voice of Wulin' contest!" I shouted into a homemade microphone. "The winner will receive shares in the cult's textile factory!"
Ren Woxing looked utterly bewildered. But Linghu Chong's eyes lit up. "How interesting! How about I treat everyone to a rendition of 'A Laughter in the Sea'?"
Dongfang Bubai descended from the sky wearing trendy streetwear I had designed myself. "This seat thinks 'The Scripture of Problematic Passages' suits you better."
Ren Woxing flew into a rage. "Dongfang Bubai! What on earth are you playing at?"
"Times have changed, Brother Ren," Dongfang Bubai spun around gracefully. "This is what's popular now."
With that, he snapped his fingers. Upbeat music suddenly blasted from the cliff top, and hundreds of disciples began dancing in unison. The sight of it made Ren Woxing instantly question reality.
Taking advantage of the chaos, I slipped over to Linghu Chong. "Brother, want to rescue Ren Yingying? I've got a plan..."
In the end, Ren Woxing was brought down by our "economic sanctions"—I had bought up all the blacksmith shops in advance so he couldn't get his iron chains repaired; then I had Sang Sanniang spread rumors around the pugilistic world that the Star-Absorbing Technique caused hair loss. The old man vomited blood in fury, and his daughter Ren Yingying persuaded him back to the West Lake bottom prison.
As for Linghu Chong? I secretly tipped him off about where Ren Yingying was being held, in exchange for his promise never to make an enemy of Dongfang Bubai again.
As the setting sun dyed the sky, Dongfang Bubai leaned against my chest. "You... you always manage to be unexpected."
"Do you like it?"
"...... I like it."
I kissed the crown of his head. "There are plenty more surprises to come."
He suddenly turned and looked at me earnestly. "What if... one day you return to the future..."
"Then I'll pack you up and take you with me," I said with a smile. "Let the finest beauty in the land experience the twenty-first century."
Dongfang Bubai smiled, an expression brighter than the morning sun. "All right."
In the moonlight, our two shadows melted into one.