I lay stiff like a corpse among the flower beds until dawn, when my acupoints finally released on their own. When I scrambled up, every joint in my body popped like a rusty tractor.
"Dragon Girl! I've thrown out my back! I need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" I propped my hands against my aching lower back and shouted toward the entrance of the Ancient Tomb. My voice echoed back and forth off the stone walls.
No one answered me. I pulled out a lighter, flicked it on, and walked inward by the flame. The tomb passage was cold and damp, the walls carved with martial arts manuals I couldn't understand.
"The interior design here is way too depressing," I muttered, stroking my chin. "How about I paint it pink for you another day?"
Suddenly, a few bats flew out from a corner, scaring me so badly I dropped my phone. When I picked it up, the screen had a crack straight across it, making my heart ache so much I gasped—there were five hundred of my selfies in there!
The sound of water echoed from deep within. I tiptoed closer and saw Xiao Longnü meditating on the Cold Jade Bed, her long hair spread across the stone bed like black silk.
"Is it illegal to peek at a beauty?" I mumbled under my breath. "If it is, it's just a crime of passion."
"Get out." She didn't even lift her eyelids.
I shook my bottle of whiskey. "Care for a drink? It gets the blood flowing and removes blood stasis."
She suddenly opened her eyes, and my knees went weak, almost making me drop to the floor. This girl's gaze was sharper than all my ex-girlfriends' combined.
"Are people from the future all as frivolous as you?"
"Hardly." I edged closer to the Cold Jade Bed. "I'm the peak of handsomeness among future people."
A golden bell cord flew out from Xiao Longnü's sleeve. I was already prepared, dropping and rolling to dodge it, and pulled out a chocolate bar as a shield. "Truce agreement!"
She couldn't check her momentum in time, and the golden bell cord swept away the chocolate. Seizing the chance, I jumped onto the Cold Jade Bed and sat cross-legged right in front of her. "Dragon Girl, have you ever heard of the Theory of Relativity?"
The way she frowned was as pretty as a picture. I opened the encyclopedia on my phone and leaned in to show her a picture of Einstein. "This big shot said that time goes faster when you're with a beauty."
Xiao Longnü stared at the phone screen, her long eyelashes casting shadows on her face. I caught the faint scent of sandalwood in her hair, and my heart hammered as if I were bungee jumping.
"This object..." she asked hesitantly, pointing at the phone, "can capture images without ink or brush?"
"Not only can it take photos, it can record videos too!" I switched to the front-facing camera. "Come on, say cheese~"
She widened her eyes slightly at her own reflection on the screen. Seizing the moment, I hit the record button to capture this rare change in her expression.
Suddenly, the stone door rumbled, and a tattered youth rolled inside. "Auntie, save me!"
Xiao Longnü and I turned our heads at the same time. The youth looked up and saw us, his expression looking like he'd just seen a ghost—especially with me, a weirdo wearing Taoist robes and holding a smartphone.
"Guo'er?" Xiao Longnü drifted down from the Cold Jade Bed.
I leaped up violently. "Yang Guo?!" I rushed over, grabbed him by the shoulders, and looked him up and down. "Son! Daddy's been looking all over for you!"
Yang Guo looked completely bewildered. Possessed by my inner actor, I wiped away tears that weren't even there. "Sixteen years ago, on that rainy night, your mother and I..."
"Scoundrel!" Yang Guo lashed out with a palm strike. I sidestepped to dodge, and he stumbled straight into Xiao Longnü's arms.
"Auntie! Who is this person?" He glared at me vigilantly.
Xiao Longnü gently straightened him up. "Someone... from the future."
I pulled out my last piece of chocolate. "Here, son, have some candy."
Yang Guo hid behind Xiao Longnü. "Auntie, be careful! This fellow must have been sent by Zhao Zhijing!"
"That pockmarked face Zhao Zhijing?" I sneered. "He was chasing and beating me just a moment ago!"
Xiao Longnü looked at me, then at Yang Guo, and actually let out a soft sigh. It was the first time I'd heard her sigh, like a snowflake falling upon the heart.
"Guo'er, this person..." She paused. "Knows the future."
Yang Guo's eyes went wide as saucers. Seizing the opportunity, I opened my phone's photo album and flipped to the stills of Huang Xiaoming as Yang Guo. "Look, this is what you'll look like in the future."
He leaned in to look, then suddenly pointed at a still of Xiao Longnü and cried out, "Auntie! This painter drew you so accurately!"
Xiao Longnü couldn't help leaning closer either. Our three heads huddled together, with me in the middle flanked by both of them, my sense of happiness completely maxed out.
"This isn't a painting, it's acting." I swiped to Liu Yifei's photo. "This actress played your aunt."
Yang Guo suddenly snatched the phone. "Can this thing capture souls?"
"This is called technology, son." I ruffled his hair. "Later on, Daddy will teach you how to use TikTok."
Xiao Longnü suddenly snatched the phone back. "Enough." She looked at Yang Guo. "Why was Zhao Zhijing chasing you?"
Yang Guo gritted his teeth as he recounted his experience of being bullied. As I listened, I suddenly remembered the original plot and slapped my thigh. "Li Mochou is coming tonight to snatch the Jade Maiden Heart Sutra!"
Both of them turned and stared at me in unison. I lowered my voice mysteriously. "Don't be afraid, though—I'm here."
Xiao Longnü's gaze turned sharp. "How do you know this?"
"I told you, I'm a time traveler!" I pulled out my lighter and flicked it on. "Isn't this gadget more useful than a fire starter? When Li Mochou comes, I'll use this to burn her skirt."
Yang Guo let out a snort of laughter, earning himself a glare from Xiao Longnü. She turned back to me. "What is your purpose here, exactly?"
I put away my flippant expression and looked straight into her eyes. "My purpose is..." I suddenly sneezed. "Achoo! This ancient tomb is freezing! Can we turn on some heat first?"
Xiao Longnü turned and walked toward the depths of the stone chamber. Yang Guo poked me. "Are you really from the future?"
"Cross my heart." I threw an arm around his shoulder. "Son, stay away from Guo Fu in the future; that girl has a fierce temper."
He looked at me half-in-credence. I was just about to leak a bit more of the plot when suddenly the stone door vibrated with a loud hum.
"Junior Sister! Senior Sister has come to see you!" A charming female voice rang out, laden with murderous intent.
Yang Guo's expression changed drastically. "It's Li Mochou!"
I picked up the whiskey bottle, took a swig, and wiped my mouth. "Dragon Girl, watch me put on a show of saving the damsel in distress!"
Xiao Longnü pressed down on the hand I was using to hold the whiskey bottle. Her hand was ice-cold and soft, and I instantly froze as if hit by an immobilization spell.
"Don't go throwing your life away," she said softly, turning to take the Maiden's Sword down from the wall.
I watched her straight back as a surge of heat welled up in my chest. The feeling was even more intoxicating than drinking ten bottles of whiskey.
"Dragon Girl!" I called out to her. "Once we chase Li Mochou off, I'll teach you how to listen to Jay Chou on a phone!"
She glanced back at me, the corners of her lips seeming to curve upward slightly. It might have been my imagination, but at that moment, I fancied I saw a crack splitting open in the iceberg, revealing the spring scenery within.