The stone door rumbled open, and a figure in apricot-yellow Daoist robes drifted in. Li Mochou held a horsetail whisk, her features as picturesque as a painting yet filled with murderous intent. I instinctively pulled Xiao Longnü behind me—though with my half-baked martial arts, this posture was purely for show.
"Junior Sister, it's been many years. How come you've taken a toy boy?" Li Mochou's gaze drifted over, raking across my face and making the muscles in my calves cramp up in terror.
Xiao Longnü was cold as frost. "Senior Sister, please go back."
"Back?" Li Mochou let out a light laugh. "Hand over the Jade Maiden Heart Sutra, and I'll leave immediately." She suddenly caught sight of the phone in my hand. "Oh? What is this?"
I had a flash of inspiration, turned on the phone's flashlight, and aimed it right at her eyes. "Take this hidden weapon!"
A blinding flash burst forth, and Li Mochou let out a miserable shriek, covering her eyes. Seizing the opportunity, I grabbed Xiao Longnü and Yang Guo and bolted backward. "Run! This trick won't hold her off for long!"
"Despicable!" Li Mochou swept her horsetail whisk sideways, catching me right in the rear. It burned with a fiery pain. Xiao Longnü countered with a reverse-grip sword strike, the sword qi sparking against the stone wall.
Yang Guo snatched a teapot from the stone table and hurled it at her. "Vixen, take this!"
Li Mochou flicked her sleeve, and the teapot shattered mid-air. Amidst the splashing boiling water, a cold light flashed at her fingertips. "Hit!"
"Watch out for the Ice Soul Silver Needle!" I lunged toward Xiao Longnü, only to see her figure flicker as she stepped in front of me. Three silver needles embedded themselves in her shoulder. She let out a muffled groan and staggered backward.
My mind went with a loud *buzz*. As I caught her sliding form, my hands shook like a sieve. "Dragon Girl?!"
Her lips rapidly turned cyan—she was clearly poisoned. Li Mochou looked triumphant. "Junior Sister, for the sake of a man..."
With reddened eyes, I whipped out a lighter, ignited some whiskey, and splashed it onto the ground. A wall of fire roared to life, forcing Li Mochou back several steps. I had learned this trick from Resident Evil, never expecting it would actually come in handy.
"Guo'er! Take your aunt to the Cold Jade Bed!" I shoved Xiao Longnü into Yang Guo's arms, turned to face Li Mochou, and shouted, "Vixen, I'll fight you to the death!"
In truth, I didn't know the first thing about fighting to the death; I was purely putting on a bluff. But strangely enough, a wave of heat suddenly surged from my lower abdomen, and the meridians throughout my body felt as though they had been scalded by boiling water. As Li Mochou struck out with a palm, I instinctively raised my hands to block—
*Bang!*
The wave of air blasted both of us backward. I crashed into the stone wall, seeing stars, only to see that Li Mochou had also flipped over completely on her back. She stared at me in disbelief. "You... you actually know the Congenital True Qi?"
I was even more baffled—I couldn't even do standard calisthenics properly, let alone any Congenital True Qi! Yet right now, the heat inside me was careening wildly in all directions, making me feel like a boiling kettle with white steam puffing straight out the top of my head.
Hesitating for a moment, Li Mochou suddenly flung a few more silver needles and leaped out of the Ancient Tomb. "We'll meet again!"
I scrambled on all fours, rolling and crawling to the side of the Cold Jade Bed. Xiao Longnü had already lost consciousness, and Yang Guo was channeling his internal energy to force the poison out of her.
"Let me do it!" I shoved Yang Guo aside and whipped out my Swiss Army knife. "We have to get the needles out first."
Yang Guo blocked me with a guarded expression. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Saving her!" I stamped my feet in a panic. "The Ice Soul Silver Needle is poisonous; we have to treat it right away!"
Seeing he was still hesitating, I pulled out my phone and brought up a PDF on First Aid Basics. "Look! Future medicine!"
Skeptical, Yang Guo stepped aside. I took a deep breath and carefully parted the collar of Xiao Longnü's clothes. Around the three needle punctures on her snowy skin, the flesh had already turned black. My hands shook so badly I almost dropped the knife.
"Dragon Girl, offenses given..." I used the tip of the blade to pry out the silver needles, then leaned down to suck out the poison.
Yang Guo grabbed me by the collar. "Are you looking to die? This poison kills upon contact with blood!"
"I have antibodies!" I bluffed. "People from the future all get vaccinated!"
Of course I didn't have any antibodies—I was simply at the end of my rope. As I sucked out the poisoned blood, the tip of my tongue tasted a hint of sweetish fishiness, and then my entire mouth went numb. Pushing through the numbness, I finished sucking out the toxic blood, but my vision was already turning black.
"Son... take good care of your mother..." I patted Yang Guo weakly and collapsed flat.
In my unconscious state, I felt someone pouring a horribly bitter medicinal broth down my throat. I wanted to spit it out, but someone pinched my nose and forced it all down. Amidst my struggling, I heard Yang Guo's tearful voice: "Dad! Don't you die!"
—Well, what do you know, I really became a dad just like that.
I had no idea how much time had passed when I slowly drifted back to consciousness. I found myself lying on the Cold Jade Bed, while Xiao Longnü sat at the edge regulating her breath. Seeing me wake up, she opened her eyes slightly. "Awake?"
That tone was more intoxicating than whiskey. I cracked a grin, though my lips split open with a stinging pain. "Dragon Girl... are you alright?"
She nodded lightly. "Thanks to you... for sucking out the poisoned blood."
I tried to sit up, only to find my limbs completely sapped of strength. Yang Guo walked in carrying a bowl of medicine, and his eyes lit up the moment he saw I was awake. "Dad! How are you feeling?"
I almost passed out again—that change of address had happened way too fast. Xiao Longnü looked over at Yang Guo in surprise as well; the latter scratched the back of his head, looking somewhat embarrassed. "He... he risked his life to save Aunt, so calling him dad isn't a loss for me."
Moved to the point of tears, I pulled a facial muscle in the process and winced in agony. Xiao Longnü handed me a cup of water. "You possess Congenital True Qi within your body, why didn't you say so earlier?"
"What kind of qi?" I was completely fogged. "The only qi I know is natural gas."
Xiao Longnü and Yang Guo exchanged glances. She reached out and pressed her fingers against my pulse point, her fingertips as cool as iced cola. I instantly felt refreshed, wishing I could faint a few more times.
"Strange..." She furrowed her brow. "The true qi in your meridians is abundant, yet completely chaotic, as if you've never practiced martial arts a day in your life."
Lightning flashed in my head. "Could it be because I'm from the future? Maybe I got hit by radiation when I time-traveled?"
Yang Guo leaned closer. "Dad, are people in the future all like this?"
"Of course," I lied through my teeth. "People in the future can all fly, and they can even move objects with their minds." With that, I took out my phone and turned on the flashlight feature. "Look, this is the magic of future people."
Xiao Longnü stared fixedly at the phone, a rare look of curiosity dawning on her. Seizing the moment, I opened the music player, and Jay Chou's "Blue and White Porcelain" began to drift leisurely through the ancient tomb.
"The azure color awaits the misty rain..." The singing echoed through the stone chamber, and Xiao Longnü's eyes widened slightly. Yang Guo was utterly dumbfounded. "This... is there a person inside this little box?"
"This is called music," I turned up the volume. "Does the Dragon Girl like it?"
She didn't answer, but she didn't ask me to turn it off either. Moonlight leaked through a crack in the stone, illuminating her profile and making her look as beautiful as an ink wash painting. I quietly pressed the shutter button, preserving this moment forever.
Yang Guo suddenly pointed at the phone. "Dad! Why is the woman in this picture moving?" —Turns out I had accidentally swiped into a short video in the photo album.
Xiao Longnü leaned in to look as well. The three of our heads huddled together, looking for all the world like we were running a home theater. The video was a barbecue party I'd filmed before traveling through time, with friends raising their glasses to the camera and cheering.
"These are your..." Xiao Longnü hesitated, "family?"
"You could say that," my nose stung. "Probably... never see them again."
The stone chamber suddenly grew quiet, with only the melody of "Blue and White Porcelain" still drifting in the air. Xiao Longnü gently reached out her hand, as if wanting to pat me on the shoulder, but then pulled it back.
Yang Guo broke the silence. "Dad, what do people in the future eat?"
I perked up. "Oh, tons of things! Hot pot, barbecue, spicy crawfish..." My stomach immediately rumbled in response.
Xiao Longnü stood up. "I'll go prepare dinner."
After she left, Yang Guo sidled up to me with a mysterious look on his face. "Dad, do you like my aunt?"
My old face flushed red. "Kids shouldn't talk nonsense!"
"I'm already sixteen!" Yang Guo protested, unconvinced. "Back in the countryside, I could already take a wife!" He lowered his voice. "If you really like Aunt, I'll teach you a trick..."
I perked up my ears. Just as Yang Guo was about to impart his wisdom, Xiao Longnü returned carrying a food box. We immediately sat up straight and proper, looking exactly like students caught goofing off in class by the teacher.
Inside the food box were a few steamed buns and a plate of leafy greens. Though I was starving to death, looking at this watery fare, I couldn't help sighing, "Dragon Girl, one day I'll show you what I can do, and I guarantee it'll make you swallow your own tongue."
Xiao Longnü shook her head gently. "The Ancient Tomb Sect eats light and plain."
"That's because you haven't met me." I pulled out my last pack of instant noodles. "Watch closely, this is future gourmet food!"
I boiled water using the charcoal stove in the stone chamber and dropped the noodle cake in. The fragrance of the seasoning packet filled the air, and Yang Guo swallowed hard. Though Xiao Longnü still maintained a blank expression, her nostrils twitched slightly.
The noodles were done, and I divided them into three bowls. Yang Guo wolfed his down so fast he nearly gnawed on the bowl itself. Xiao Longnü ate in small bites, her movements as elegant as if she were dining at a French restaurant.
"How is it?" I asked expectantly.
She chewed slowly and deliberately before finally uttering two words: "Acceptable."
—Coming from her lips, this was practically a Michelin three-star review!
After the meal, Yang Guo volunteered to wash the bowls. Only Xiao Longnü and I were left in the stone chamber. The atmosphere suddenly turned a bit awkward; just as I was searching for a topic of conversation, she suddenly spoke up:
"Why... did you risk your life to save me?"
I scratched my head. "Probably because... you look like my future wife?"
The moment the words left my mouth, I wanted to slap myself—what kind of cheesy pickup line was that?! Yet Xiao Longnü didn't get angry; she simply watched me quietly. Under the moonlight, her eyes looked like two pools of clear spring water.
"Go to sleep," she stood up. "Tomorrow I'll teach you the method of circulating your internal energy."
I froze. "You're going to teach me martial arts?"
"Your internal qi is blocked and undirected; I fear it could be dangerous." Without looking back, she walked toward the inner chamber.
As I lay on the Cold Jade Bed, my heart felt warm and fuzzy. Although my whole body still ached, the thought of having close contact with Xiao Longnü tomorrow... no, learning martial arts from her, made me feel like this whole ordeal had totally paid off.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep in a haze, I heard a faint, delicate humming sound coming from the inner chamber—it was the tune of "Blue and White Porcelain."